This is my third pregnancy and I have to say before I begin this blog that I have it pretty good. All my pregnancy have been relatively easy and problem free with only minor discomfort through-out. I feel quite sorry for the women out there who really suffer to bring their children into this world.
With that said, this has been my most difficult pregnancy so far. I am currently at 23 weeks and it feels as if I am on an emotional roller coaster ride! I get so down some evenings and yet, were you to ask me what was wrong, I would honestly have to reply that there is nothing wrong and that I'm perfectly happy with life...but I'm not cheerful. The next day I'll be energetic & downright pleasant! It feels weird to be inside this range of emotions because even while my body feels them, my mind is not engaged in the negative emotions since it has nothing negative to attach to them. This is how I know that they must be hormone related. Besides the emotional consequences of these hormonal fluctuations I also have been experiencing a lot more physical discomfort. It is usually while I am in downward swing emotionally that I have the most pain & yuckiness of physical feelings as well--headaches, stomach discomfort, nausea, & acid reflux.
Before my ultrasound I figured that my symptoms were stronger perhaps because I was having a boy instead of another girl but this theory has since been thrown out. This child is also the most active in utero. I remember noticing a lot of active movement with the other two at night when I was settling in for bed but this little nugget is busy ALL the time. I can be busy thinking and working mid-day and the distractions are not enough to keep me from noticing all the flip-flopping going on in there. I don't remember feeling the movement this strongly this early with the others either but maybe that's just a memory loss problem. I certainly forget sometimes how far along I really am since we waited so much longer this time to tell everyone then we did with Eden & Jasmine.
Anyway, between the emotions, the physical discomfort & general exhaustion, my mental state has been much more chaotic then I feel it should be and, as a result, I think my husband is starting to wonder what to do about me. He thinks I depend on him too much. Maybe I do, but from my perspective, to try to depend on anyone else just means MORE stress for me and that is exactly what I'm attempting to minimize.
The solution that I came up with today (which I suppose was painfully obvious) was that I need to spend more of my time depending on God to keep me encouraged and not on people or circumstances. I certainly have been more lax in this than I'd like to admit but it seems that He has spent the last couple of days subtly reminding me to depend on Him. As Chuck Missler often says, "God finds a new way every day to ask us, 'Do you trust Me?'" And I certainly have noticed this question popping up a lot lately in many varying ways.