More birthday musings...

     How the heck am I forty-three?  Seriously.  Every time I go to say it, even, my internal autocorrect changes it to thirty-four before it spits it out of my mouth.  It doesn't really seem like that long ago that I was the skinny cowlicked child with the bad haircut spending my days running around our farm with my brother getting barn straw all over my clothes and the evenings lounging around on the couch with my nose in a book;  my mom frying up some porkchops & making mashed potatoes while Wheel of Fortune played on the tv in the background.

    I was so innocent, naïve and full of dreams back then.  Then time ticked-tocked on by,  one second at a time,  and here I sit a thousand miles from my childhood farm turning forty-three and knowing life just doesn't always go the way you think.  I am not teaching science to a class full of kindergartners; I am not the author of a children's book;  I am not living across some magical fairyland pond from my best friend while we each raise little barefooted boys & girls wearing bib overalls & sunbonnets who chase fireflies together every evening.  Lol...the dreams of children are so pure, hopeful and totally not based on  reality!

    This last couple years have been a couple of the hardest years of my life in many ways.   Also...in other ways, a couple of the best years of my life.   It's funny how that is...life has so many different kinds of hard.   Just a few years ago I was in the battle zone of raising a litter of littles.  Nursing babies crying to be held,  toddlers spilling milk all over the counter, young children demanding help with subtraction...all at the same time that you desperately need five minutes alone in the bathroom!  Those years were hard.  My sister is in those years now...and I tell her--those years are so, so hard for moms...especially when it seems like the world has just set its sights on judging you for every snotty nose, every scream in the grocery store and every un-socked foot while you are just begging someone to throw you the proverbial life vest so you don't drown in a pile of diapers!  That was a hard time in my life, physically & psychologically.  

    But these past couple years have been something else altogether.  They've been an emotional hard--Covid lockdowns, a family member's suicide, deep struggles in my marriage, losing my mother-in-law, my Dad's accident, my mom's declining health and the struggles in my relationship with her, moving to a new state, watching friends deal with their own tragedies/losses, etc.  I have never felt as helpless & unstable as I have these last 2-3 years.  It's taken a toll on my body...to the point where I really am starting to believe I'm in my forties.   But one of the beautiful things about feeling helpless and at the end of yourself is it puts us in the best position to lean more on Jesus.  

    I will never discount the pain of these years.  But I know that the reason I can say with sincerity that in a lot ways these have been some of my best years, as well, is because Jesus has been amplified in my life.    I have seen Him do miracles in response to my prayers!  I have seen Him work in the hearts of my husband & children.  I have spent so many nights with Him as my one & only resource.  During those busy "hard" years with the kids...I served God with my hands & my lips but my heart did not know what it really meant to set myself aside.  My heart did not know what it meant to be truly humbled.   My heart did not know the depth of Jesus' sacrifice for me because I didn't know the depth of my own sinful heart.  

    So much has changed since I turned 40.  I am still shocked when I realize how old I'm getting and that I've easily reached the "midlife" part of life.  But I'm becoming more comfortable in my skin;  I'm becoming more comfortable with the unpredictability of life.  I never have liked change...but I'm learning to embrace each new opportunity that God gives me and to release the things from the past that may be a hinderance to His plan for my future.  Nothing in this life is permanent and it took me way too much of my life to accept that.   

    And I'm still learning.  I can't say these things are completely learned.  When life doesn't turn out the way we hoped...we just have to learn to roll into His will and keep going.  When God tells us to move, we move.  When God tells us to stay, we stay.  Of course, sometimes, when God says, 'shut up, sit still, & let go', instead of obeying,  we cry & rage & hold on tight until we wear ourselves out.  And God waits.  He loves us and gently tells us again to 'shut up, sit still & let go' and we say in response, "I don't know how.  Jesus, please help me."  And then He gives us the strength for the day and patiently waits for us to remember to rely on Him again tomorrow.  That's what I'm learning.

    So today...on my 43rd birthday, I will meditate on Psalm 43 "Send out your light and truth; let them lead me;  let them bring me to your holy hill and to your dwelling!" and also on God's words to Israel in Isaiah 43.  "Fear not, for I have redeemed you;  I have called you by name, you are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.  For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." 

    

Cute things my kids have said: Part 18

9/9/20
Bria (Smelling a bar of YL soap): “It smells like almond milk mixed with a new dress.”

9/16/20
Jasmine: “Why are women so attracted to muscles? They are just bumps on the arm. Personally, I want a guy with a strong brain.”

9/17/20
Bria: “You know that song? It says, “Who’s that sexy thing standing over there.” I keep singing it but it’s inappropriate for kids! It’s inappropriate for 4 year olds!”

9/24/20
Me: “I was being sarcastic.”
Bria: “What does sir cactus mean?”

9/26/20
Bria: “We have to comb your hair so you don’t get crickets. When your hair gets tangled that’s what you call it. You get crickets.”

9/26/20
Bria: "The password is 'fungalogical'."

9/28/20
Eden (explaining why she doesn’t want to go to youth group): “I just don’t like teenagers.”

10/8/20
Bria: (Looking at her blister) “I don’t like how Jesus made us because I don’t like that skin under that skin”
Me: "What?"
Bria: "I mean--I like Jesus--I just don't like how he made us because I don't like the skin under the skin."

11/16/20
Bria: “In my dream you were kissing Dad. A lot! For some reason my brain wanted to see that! It wanted to see how that works!”

11/7/20
Tonight we were asking the kids if they had any prayer requests.
Bria: "I want to pray that the butterflies won’t be eaten by dogs. Because they would die if the dogs eat them.”

11/14/20
We’ve had the kids choosing bible verses each night...tonight was Acacia’s turn to pick. Russ comes up and asks Acacia, “So what did you pick?” Acacia: “A scab.”

11/17/20
Apparently during dance today (during Big Oak Tree) Bria said, “This song should be about Jesus because he’s a really nice man.”

11/21/20
Bria: “I love you from the sky to the ground.”
Me: “I love you from the moon to the ground!”
Bria: “Wow! That’s so far! A cow jumped over the moon one time! In real life.” Then she explained how big the moon was when the cow jumped over it.
Bria: “What if I love you from the cow to the ground? Because the cow jumped over the moon that one time!”

11/22/20
Bria: (Crying) “Kira hurt my kidneys and my brain.”

12/3/20
I was upstairs in the kitchen with music playing and I casually asked Acacia where Bria was. Bria (who was in the basement at the Lego table) yells up...”I’m right here!” She comes upstairs and I said, “That always amazes me that you can hear me that well.” Bria: “It’s because I’m the smartest & specialist kid that you ever had!”

12/15/20
Bria: “I’m not the boss of everything but I’m the boss of this walk!”

12/26/20
I walked into the living room and saw the Christmas aftermath mess and said “Ugh. I hate to see this!” And Bria speaks up and says in a sweet voice, “Then don’t look at it.”

12/31/20
Bria: “God is working on the snow AND You. He can do both at the same time because He has 2 hands!”

1/6/21
Bria: “None of us has powers but Jesus does. He can stand on the water and make everyone feel better.”

1/14/21
Bria praying: "Help mom's heart not to be broken anymore. Because Jesus didn't heal it already. No offense--but that's rude."

1/18/21
Bria: (in a conversation about prayer) “I can hear Jesus talking.”
Me: “Really? What did He say?”
Bria: “It doesn’t matter what you look like. Even if you’re ugly.”

1/31/21
Bria to me: "In my dream last night you were kissing a lot."
Me: "Who was I kissing?"
Bria: "Your husband."
Me: "Really? What did he look like?"
Bria: "The same as he looks now. And you looked the same as you look now. And you were in a tiny house. We kept seeing bugs. And there were pictures all around the house. It was weird."

2/18/21
Bria: “I want an anniversary, but I also want to pee in my room.”

4/14/21
Bria just called a question mark—“that mystery thingy”.

4/20/21

Today Jasmine asked Bria if she learned the presidents and Bria said yes.

Jasmine: “Do you know who our president is right now?”
Bria: “Trump?”
Jasmine: “No.”
Bria: “The real Biden? The guy that fighted Trump”

5/2/21
Bria: “I’m glad we go to church. If we weren’t Christians, I’d want to be a Christian.”
Me: “If we weren’t Christians how would you know you’d want to be one?”
Bria: “Ummm...it’s hard to explain.”

5/5/21

Bria (singing): “I want to dance in the middle of a cucumber!”

5/24/21
I asked Bria, “Why are you so adorable?”
She answered, “I don’t know. Probably because I’m not 13.”

5/27/21
Bria: “I just want to sing a song about freedom. I just want freedom so much! I want to be a bird!”

6/18/21
Bria singing a song from VBS, “You know why I’m singing that? It’s because Jesus loves us sooo much his heart is bubbling!”

6/27/21
Bria comes out of her room and had changed her shorts. I just looked at her and didn’t say anything. She holds up one finger and says: “I know I’m wearing pajama pants but don’t patronize me.”

6/29/21
Bria: “Love me to the stomach of your heart”

7/4/21
Bria: “violence is one of my answers for love.”

7/23/21

Things Bria said on our walk:

“I’m the leader of this walk”

“If zombies come I will hai-ya!”

“If I had super speed like Dash…faster than Dash, I’d be first.”

“Get off my arrow, ants!”

8/9/21

Me: “Bria, thanks for being my buddy today and taking it in stride when the ice cream machine was broken.”

Bria: “That’s just what I do! Nice stuff!”

8/24/21

Jasmine: “What’s a Pap smear?”

Eden: “It’s when they look at your thingy for scientific purposes.”

8/28/21

I was complaining about my hair turning grey on top and Bria came over and inspected.

Bria: “I don’t see any grey. I only see black. *pointing* That mirror is WRONG.”

12/16/21

Bria: “You’re wearing makeup? Your face looks stale.”

1/13/22

Eden: “I really like this outfit. I look both hot and modest because modest IS hottest.”

3/17/22

Jasmine: “If I had a dollar for every time I rolled my eyes today, I’d have my monthly allowance.”

3/25/22

Bria: “Dad, I love you more than anyone except for God! I love God a trillion and I love you a billion. And I love Mom a billion, too!”

4/11/22

Bria: “Can I play Minecraft?”

Me: “No. Today is Monday; you have to do homework.”

Bria: (exasperated, throwing her head back & her hands up) “Ughh!! Everyday is Monday! Seriously!”

5/5/22

Eden & I were discussing the accuracy of our scale here. Bria weighed herself and said “It says 32.8”. I asked her “Is that what the scale in Oregon said?” Bria: “yeah…well no, it said 32.7 but I did some push-ups. so, yeah.”

6/15/22

Acacia heard Beastie Boys “Fight for your right” and said “For a minute I thought this was the boy version of ‘Girls just want to have fun’”

9/12/22

Bria: “I can’t snap. I’m still little and my fingers aren’t as feisty as yours!”

9/26/22

Me: “You can just lay in a beach chair with a sun hat over your face and let the sound of the ocean lull you to sleep.”

Eden: “I don’t like being lulled.”

10/8/22

Eden: “I’m really mad that mullets are in! How am I supposed to find a boyfriend if they all have mullets?”

10/15/22

Bria: “You’re a soggy burrito, Eden!!”

Eden: “That’s so insulting. I’m a crispy burrito.”

10/19/22

Bria’s philosophical question of the day: “Why did Thumbkin run away?”

11/23/22

Eden: “You know what would be a stinking cool tattoo to have? An important name or word written in Gallifreyan!”

Jasmine: “Maybe if you’re a nerd!”

Eden: “Lucky for you, I am then!”

Jasmine: “Is ‘nerd’ the right word or would it be ’geek’ in that context?”

1/6/23

Bria was asking about sewers. I asked her if she knew what sewers were for. “No”. So I explained…

Bria: “Eww. It’s weird that the Ninja Turtles would live there.”

2/1/23

Bria: “I like tying things. It’s my passion.”

Bria: “I l