I'm Back from my Mountain Retreat...

...and it was AMAZING!  It was a wonderful way to spend my birthday.

"God does not want to overwhelm us with His power. 

He wants to overwhelm us with His love." 

I don't even know what to say or where to begin.  To be in the mountains with hundreds of woman from all over the world, allowing Jesus to speak to our souls...wow!   The mountains were gorgeous. The teaching was rich, palatable & heart changing.  There were times of quiet introspection & times of boisterous fun.  The meals were filled with good food,  female chit-chat, and heart-to-heart sharing.  The schedule was on a need to know basis and they deliberately did not give us a written agenda.  Because as woman we sometimes become a little too caught up in our lists & schedules and they wanted to free us from that a little bit.  We also had several hours of free time every afternoon so we could do whatever we wanted.

"We have been wounded into believing terrible things about ourselves."

Stasi Eldredge led most of the sessions.  She talked about the core desires of a woman's heart, about the Great Romance that is Christianity.  She talked about the importance of the father-child relationship & mother-child relationship and the wounds we suffer when those relationships are not ideal.  She talked about the agreement we make with the enemy by believing lies about ourselves and the importance of breaking those agreements in order to heal and find freedom.  We spent a lot of time between sessions, just being quiet so we could let God show us our wounds, reveal the lies we've believed, and let Him tell us how He sees us.  We spend time in prayer; we sang praises to Him; we took communion.  The Spirit was moving among us!

"Agreeing with a lie separates us from the Truth."

The free times were spent in so many ways.  There was snow shoeing, tubing, hot-tubbing, napping, reading, jewelry making, coffee drinking, etc.  I spent the first afternoon wandering the campus and then reading my book.  The second day I wanted to go snowshoeing but they sold out before I got there.  Instead I made myself a bracelet and then I decided to brave the trail without snowshoes.  I was so glad I did!  As long as I stayed on the trail I was fine. However if I stepped off...I sank into the snow up to my waist!  I enjoyed the beauty of nature with my camera.

"We get our identity from our fathers.  

We get our self-worth from our mothers."

For me the retreat revealed how I have let the enemy talk me into believing that I am a boring, uninteresting person who has nothing worth offering others.  I was surprised how much pain was associated with this idea.  I was also surprised to discover how much healing has already taken place in me over the past 10 years and how blessed I truly am to have the parents I have.  So many of the women at this retreat had such deep pain associated with their parents...it really amplified the blessing my parents are.  They certainly aren't perfect and they have hurt me but there is no lasting sting...because of how God has worked in their lives and how often they tell me they love me and how quick they are to say they're sorry.

"Loving Jesus is the natural response to knowing Him."

  

"Safety is not the absence of danger but the presence of Jesus."

One of the coolest things for me was the pictures Jesus showed me several times through out the weekend of He & I dancing together.  He is my father, my lover & my friend.  Experiencing Him is such a powerful, personal thing that is hard to explain to others later.  But there is no question that I did.  He spoke to me, He danced with me, He embraced me.  The praise & worship time of singing & communion was my favorite.  I felt so loved and so free!

I am so glad I went and I sincerely recommend this Captivating retreat to all the women reading this and I encourage the men to attend the Wild at Heart Boot Camp as well.  It is spiritually cleansing...so worth it! 

"The battle is fierce, the danger is real, and you are desperately needed."

Being Grateful for...Pastors

Last night, I was thinking about thanksgiving and what it means to be thankful.  Those thoughts are a whole other post all their own, but as I was contemplating some of the things I am thankful for, I thought about my spiritual life and all the different people who have contributed along the way and all the different congregations I have been a part of in my life and how grateful I am for all those pastors and their wives who heeded the call to ministry and, as a result, are a part of my spiritual makeup and my story.  As I thought about all these different men and all these different congregations, I felt that it was important for me to honor them in this way.

"Remember your leaders who first taught you the word of God. Think of all the good that has come from their lives, and trust the Lord as they do." Hebrews 13:7 (New Living Translation)

Reverend Rudy Sauter was the first to touch my life, as he was the pastor of the Crawford Nazarene Church where my parents attended when I was born.  He & his wife Lois were pivotal in bringing several members of my family to the Savior.  Lois was a very special lady who led a Bible study in my grandparents home every week.  And Rudy was the one who dedicated me as a baby.  He has since gone on to live with the Lord but he no doubt holds a special place in the hearts of countless believers (including my parents) who are doing God's work today.

There were several pastors who served at Crawford Nazarene Church during my childhood.  There were the Darlings, the Runyans, & the Phlegers who all had a role in my spiritual development.  When I was a young teenager, Pastor Lee Eads and his wife Sherri moved into the parsonage of the New Hope Church of the Nazarene.  Pastor Eads served as pastor there for around ten years during one of the most formative times of my spiritual life.  He was young and nice and was unintimidating.  During my college years when I would be back home from college and attend church with my parents I enjoyed the discussions that happened at the adult Sunday school class.  Pastor Lee officiated at my brother's wedding & my great grandmother's funeral and Russ & I asked him to say the meal prayer at our wedding reception. 

In 1998, I started college.  It was at this time that I really found an excitement for Jesus.  I attended Ridgeview Bible Baptist for awhile...and watched one of my best friends get baptized there but after a bit I started going to the Chadron Berean Church and that is where I found a home under Pastor Dan Williams & his wife Dee.  For five years, I grew in the word thanks to the weekly teachings of Pastor Dan and felt like a part of a church family thanks to the community of believers at Chadron Berean who have a gift for taking college students under their wings and making them feel at home.  I met my future sister-in-law for the first time at Chadron Berean and Russ & I were so pleased to have Pastor Dan be the one to unite us in our marriage covenant.  Pastor Dan & Dee have recently moved on to bless a new congregation.  A bittersweet end for those who love them so dearly in Chadron.

Before I met Russ, I took an internship in Rapid City, SD for several months in 2002.  While I was there I was led to attend a young singles bible study group at Calvary Baptist Church.  The friends I met there were some of the best people you can imagine.  I began attended regular Sunday services.  The pastor was the father (and future father-in-law) to some of my bible study friends.  Pastor Steve Evans was a phenomenal musician and had a gift for leading the congregation to a spirit of worship.  One of the things I learned while at Calvary Baptist is the joy & power of literally going to your knees in prayer & worship before the Father.  I had never had that experience before, but at Calvary there was always the opportunity to just go to the alter and pray just because you felt like it and I loved the intimacy & vulnerability that this brought to my relationship with Jesus.

A year after Russ & I got married, he got a job in Colorado Springs.  Not long after we moved there we began looking for a church.  The third church we tried was Grace Bible Church which was just blocks away from our home (a rarity in the city) and we loved it there and felt right at home.  Right away we were introduced to Pastor Jeff Anderson & his wife Nancy.  It was quite an interesting experience for me to talk to him at my 4 feet, eleven inches with his height being well over 6 feet!  Pastor Jeff is one of the most friendly people and you'd be hard pressed to find anyone sweeter than Nancy.  We got involved at Grace Bible right away.  Russ got in the rotation for working the sound board on Sunday mornings and we both volunteered to work with the Awana Cubbies. Even though it was a significantly sized congregation, Pastor Jeff never failed to make us feel valued.  When he would greet us after the service, even with all the distractions and other people needing his attention, his words to us always felt focused and sincere.  It was while attending Grace Bible that Eden was added to our family.  The ladies of Grace Bible threw me a surprise baby shower and it was Pastor Jeff who dedicated Eden to the Lord.  We moved back to Nebraska in 2006 and leaving Grace Bible was one of the saddest parts.

After we moved we spent several months trying out the different churches in the area.  There were a lot of good churches but none that really felt like home to us.  One of Russ' co-workers invited us to a Tuesday night Bible study at a very small storefront church.  We went and really liked it.  I was hesitant however to attend the Sunday service because it was such a small congregation and I knew that it would be harder for my non-social self to function in a smaller environment.  However after resisting for a few weeks Russ finally talked me into going on Sunday morning to Calvary Chapel Scottsbluff.  It was basically what I expected only my reaction was totally different than what I expected.  Somehow it just felt right.  Pastor Kevin Carradine and his wife Lyn and basically everyone at Calvary Chapel were unlike any congregation I'd been a part of before.  It suited us very well at that time.  Services were super casual.  Pastor Kevin would sometimes preach without any shoes and there was nothing strange about it.    The thing we liked best, though, was Pastor Kevin's style of teaching.   There was no frills, no schemes, no pretense.  He just picked a book of the Bible and would teach it verse by verse.  When the time ran out, he'd just stop and he'd pick up where he left off the next week.  He never preached morality at us...instead he just taught us the Word and let it do its work in us.  I adored this simple, systematic approach!  Because it was such a small congregation, we all got to know each other pretty well.  And there was plenty of opportunities to spend time together.  Since pastor Kevin is of Jewish heritage one of the cool things that they did at Calvary Chapel was have a Passover Seder.  While we were there, they started up a local low frequency radio station that broadcast sermons and kept the men busy.   But one of the special things about Pastor Kevin & Lyn is the openness of their home.  Almost every Sunday, people from the church were welcome to have lunch with them and then stay to play games all afternoon but there was never any pressure.  It gave ample opportunity for the regulars to become very familiar with each other and to develop varying levels of friendships within the group.

Another congregation & pastor worth mentioning is Chadron Community Church and Pastor Dominick Warne & his wife Loralie.  When Pastor D came to the Chadron AG church a few years ago, it wasn't long before my entire family were regulars.  My brother's family already attended CCC before the Warnes arrived but when they took over, a new life was breathed into this congregation and my parent's & sister quickly discovered that it was the home for them, as well.  Since Russ & I live 2 hours away, we can't be considered "regulars" but this is definitely my church home away from home.  When I walk in the door, I immediately sense the Spirit of God there.  The people at CCC are a very diverse family and there is no mistaking the love among them that they are ready & willing to extend to anyone.   Pastor D brings a straight-talking evangelistic-style of preaching that is biblical and is relevant for both the believing and the seeking.  He & Loralie also brought vision to the congregation and serve in leading them to be light within the community.  Pastor D is also talented musically and has allowed God to use that in setting the tone for community worship.  I always look forward to Sunday services at CCC with excitement when I have the opportunity.  God is clearly at work among the people there and Pastor D & Loralie are certainly playing a part.

Finally, I must show appreciation for the pastor who is leading me into my next phase.  Pastor Bruce Peterson of Grace Chapel.  We had been jumping around a bit again over the last year or so hoping to find a place with the same special qualities as CCC.  We finally realized that there were many great congrgations but none that were obviously speaking to our hearts above any of the others.  We narrowed our choices down to two and finally just decided to go to Grace Chapel.  After making that decision, God has been revealing himself to me in obvious ways and using Pastor Bruce's sermons to hit home the things He is teaching me.  We have only been attending regularly for a couple months now but I can see already that we are going to be right at home at Grace and am excited to get to know Pastor Bruce & his wife Sally better as God leads us to our role in this new congregation.

If my experiences have collectively taught me something, it is that God's giftings & callings come in a variety of forms and that the body of Christ should be unified.  Denominations are just a way of accommodating different styles and although they may differ in opinion on some issues and stress differing aspects of the Christian life, they all serve the same Lord.  In my journey I have attended  Nazarene, Baptist, Berean, Calvary Chapel, Bible Churches, Church of Christ, Congregational, and Assembly of God,  as well as non-denominational varieties.  At every place, the Bible was of utmost importance, the love of Christ was evident,  and there was a heartfelt desire to live for His glory.  Nothing else matters...we are one in Him. 

I have been blessed to have had so many wonderful people of God touch my life. This list doesn't even cover all the pastors and churches that I have learned from (such as Willie Coop and David & Karalyn Kennedy) .  It doesn't include all the pastors that have blessed me through friendship (Such as Daniel & Shelley Feister and Jim & Connie Sponable).  It doesn't include those who serve through student ministry (Such as Ruel Danner, Rick Demerest and Shawn & Jodi Bahnzaf).  It doesn't include all the associate pastors, bible study leaders, & others who have affect my life through ministry.  But I am grateful for what all of them do as well.  Full-time ministry is a sacrificial profession that requires more than a person can give on their own but the people who do it and rely on Christ's provision so they can do it--they deserve our thanks; they deserve our appreciation.  And I wanted to take a moment to reflect on how a few of those people have blessed me in my spiritual journey and say, "Thank you."

"Because of the service by which you have proved yourselves, men will praise God for the obedience that accompanies your confession of the gospel of Christ, and for your generosity in sharing with them and with everyone else. And in their prayers for you their hearts will go out to you, because of the surpassing grace God has given you." 2 Corinthians 9:13-14 (NIV)

"And now, friends, we ask you to honor those leaders who work so hard for you, who have been given the responsibility of urging and guiding you along in your obedience. Overwhelm them with appreciation and love." 1 Thessalonians 5:12-13 (The Message)

Renewal

I'm excited because I feel like I'm on the cusp of a big spiritual growth spurt.  I can really see God working in my heart these last couple months.  I started a personal S.O.A.P. study of James in January because of a fellow blogger and it has really prompted a surge of inspiration & growth.  God has really been speaking into my doubts through that study and I am seeing myself slowing breaking free from some of the things that have been holding me back the last several years. 

I remember telling my mom last summer that I felt like I was in a spiritual holding pattern...not going back but not really going forward either.  And it's been like that for quite awhile .  In college I felt so close to God and He and His ways were always in my mind & in my conversations.  But after I moved on to the so-called 'real world' it all just kinda faded.  I never really lost my connection to God but I lost my passion for Him and it just became another piece of life rather than the all-consuming topic/relationship that it once had been to me.  I've been trying to live off of the fumes of the revelations God gave me in my college days rather than seeking fresh revelations in my new life as wife & mother. 

Then about a year ago I started craving that intimacy & passion again in a big way.  I started desiring the fellowship & excitement.  I started seeking a renewal of my spiritual fervor.  And I was met with discouragement. 

This past year as been spent looking for a spark to reignite me...and coming up unlit.  I started out looking for a new place to fellowship on Sunday mornings.  The church we left was perfect for me when we moved here in 2006 and God made it very clear at that time that it was where we were suppose to be. But after three years, I felt like my needs began to change and that it was time to move on.  So when we started attending different services elsewhere and things didn't click,  I got frustrated.  There is no perfect church and no matter where I went I came home empty.  A lot of the places we attended are wonderful church fellowships that are filled up with people who love the Lord...I could have easily chosen any of these churches to attend regularly and to get involved with.   But I was hoping to find a place that just felt like 'home'. And when none of them did I kept feeling more and more lost & discouraged.  I didn't want to just go through the motions.  I wanted a new church 'home' that would challenge me to grow in new ways and reach my spiritual emotions.  But, that didn't happen.  I was still the same old me, the services were the same old services... only now I was spiritually "homeless" and even more hungry for a taste of His Glory. 

I don't know why it took a year for change to begin.  Maybe I was looking in all the wrong places for God to move me.  Maybe I just wasn't ready.  Ironically, I'm still without a steady church but I found 'home' here in my own house within His arms!  I got it!  My passion is back, my excitement is back, my fervor is back!   I finally am reading His Word and FEELING it soak into my bones and nourishing my soul!  I can HEAR Him again, loudly!  I SEE Him in every book I read; in every program I watch on tv; in every person I pass on the roads!  I am actively aware of how my previous fears are dissipating; how my understanding, patience, & love is increasing; how I am more easily choosing to bless others in spite of myself!  My heart is so open right now and it isn't all I feared it would be.  I am anticipating the future God is leading me to without the trepidation I had even just a few months ago.  Everytime I grasp a new truth, am exposed to a new subject, or feel a new emotion--I wonder how God is going to use it in my life.   I have seen how The Adversary tries to trip me as soon as I have a God moment...sometimes within minutes...and I have overcame! (not always without a few bumps, though.)  

But I am excited!  I am praising Jesus!  I have sought this breakthrough for over a year now and it has finally come! Thank you Jesus for your indescribable gift!  I know that I have a long way to go before I am living up to my full potential in Him and my prayer is that I can use this initial 'Oomph' to simply build momentum to speed me closer & closer to my precious Savior!  I pray also that Russ & I can find and agree on a fellowship to call "home" for the next leg of our journey and that God would make His will clear regarding that and other decisions that profoundly affect our future.   My future is secure because it is in His hands!

"See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!"

1 John 3:1 (NIV)

"I sit beside the fire and think": Rereading 'Lord of the Rings'

I have been re-reading The Lord of the Rings trilogy this week and so have had the great themes that it holds heavy on my mind as of late...thoughts of great evil and great fear, of bravery & valor in times of doubt, of keeping faith when all that remains is but a fool's hope.  I have been pondering how I would stack up next to Frodo's determination, Sam's faithfulness, Gandolf's wisdom, Aragorn's leadership, and Pippin's resilience.  I have cried for them as they fight a seemingly hopeless fight, I have wept for them as they grow nearer & nearer to danger but go on because they must.  And my heart breaks because I know that while their journey is just a fantasy of words on a page...their story is full of truth.

For we too live in evil times but I fear that for the moment I am living on the fringe here in middle America just as the hobbit's were before they left the Shire...but evil will not always be far off and the day will come when I too am called to play a part in this tale. I know that each hour that passes brings us nearer to the end of this age...and while I do not grieve as one that has no hope,  I know that as the days grow darker it will be harder & harder to hold on to the hope that is within us.  But I know that even in the darkest hours Christ's purposes prevail and He will come out victorious.  It is just so hard in the meantime to keep from growing weary.  Just like the ring on Frodo's neck was a weight & burden he bore to the end not knowing whether his personal end be good or bad...the evil of this world (the violence, the sickness, the deceptions, the death)  is so often as heavy as lead on my shoulders and its power (if not kept in check by the Holy Word) wearies me considerably and I see how I could so easily despair of the journey to which God has appointed me and fall into despondency & apathetic behaviors just as Lord Denathor does in 'Return of the King'.

I pray that in the interim between the coming darkness & the Return of our king, Jesus Christ, that I would not lose sight of the part I have to play, that I would remain faithful to the end, that I would be able to discern between what is good & what is not, that I would cling to hope when all hope seems to be lost...that though a fool's hope it may seem, that I would remember that God uses the foolish things of this world to confound the wise...sometimes someone as unexpected as a small hobbit can be the very vessel needed to destroy the power of Sauron.

Bilbo's Song in Rivendell

I sit beside the fire and think
of all that I have seen,
of meadow-flowers and butterflies
in summers that have been;

Of yellow leaves and gossamer
in autumns that there were,
with morning mist and silver sun
and wind upon my hair.

I sit beside the fire and think
of how the world will be
when winter comes without a spring
that I shall ever see.

For still there are so many things
that I have never seen:
in every wood and every spring
there is a different green.

I sit beside the fire and think
of people long ago,
and people who will see a world
that I shall never know.

But all the while I sit and think
of times there were before,
I listen for returning feet
and voices at the door.

Helping spread awareness...

Recently a huge portion of my friends on Facebook have been changing their profile pictures to that of a classic cartoon with the following message:   "Change your FB profile picture to a cartoon from your childhood. The goal? To not see a human face on FB till Monday, December 6th. Join the fight against CHILD ABUSE. Copy & paste to your status to invite your friends to do the same."   My first thought was, 'How is changing my profile picture going to prevent child abuse?"   Same goes for all those people who "like" the group "Turn Facebook Pink For 1 Week."  Seriously, what good is that going to do?   But I get it.  That isn't the point.  The purpose of such campaigns is to raise awareness.

I am kind of a cynical person.  I'm not necessarily proud of that but...it is what it is.  As such I have a lot of societal pet peeves.  And one of them happens to be the trend of  "spreading awareness."  I think people already are "aware" that millions of women are diagnosed with breast cancer.  I think people are already "aware" that thousands of woman & children are abused every day.  I think it is pretty impossible that people are unaware of the fact that we live in a world in which we are surrounded by evils--disease, abuse, war, corruption, depression, death, general badness.  I am quite aware of it.  Yet, so what? Are we doing anything about it?  Do we care? I don't think so.

I think awareness campaigns are a joke.  They are a way of making people feel like they are doing something good without causing any real change.  And for many of us...they breed cynics like me because of our lack of FAITH in the systems that are promoting them. 

Now don't get me wrong...I know all the arguments for awareness.  And I agree with the sentiments behind some of them.  I agree with the idea of spreading knowledge.  Without knowledge there won't be change.  I think that it is important that people know the truth about things.  People need to spread TRUTH. (Although what that means has become awfully fuzzy to some people these days.)  And I agree with the idea of fostering & showing support to those dealing with these hardships.  Without support many individuals are left feeling hopeless and unloved.  People need to spread HOPE.  People need to spread LOVE.  But awareness?  Pshh.  What good does that do.  

We don't need to spread awareness.  (Especially with silly things like facebook profile pictures--which from a practical sense are totally useless.)  What we need to spread is TRUTH, FAITH, HOPE & LOVE.  These are things that can affect real change and make a real difference.  If people spread TRUTH than people may start having FAITH again in our ability to actually make a difference.  And if people had FAITH that a difference was or could be made then those who suffer would begin to have real HOPE that they wouldn't have to suffer forever.  And if people got involved and had the truth, faith & hope then people would again begin to show real compassion, charity and LOVE.  And it is really the lack of LOVE that is tearing our society apart...certainly not the lack of awareness.

"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."  (1 Peter 4:8)

And I say this as a person who really struggles in this area.  In many ways I have tried to avoid getting too close to any suffering so I can avoid the overwhelming sense of hurt that these situations cause my heart...because I don't want to feel compelled to do something because I don't think I can really do any good anyway.  I guess you could say that my cynical heart suffers from a serious HOPE deficiency.  At least when it comes to the ways of the world.

"A horse is a vain hope for deliverance; despite all its great strength it cannot save." Psalm 33:17

"Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD." (Psalm 31:34)

I suppose this really says something about my current spiritual condition.  I know the ultimate TRUTH, and I have the ultimate FAITH which produces the ultimate HOPE but I so easily let myself be bogged down by the LIES, TREACHERY & DESPAIR of the world and it blinds me to what living in Christ's authority really means.  

"For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.  And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."  (1 Corinthians13: 12-13)

I guess what I'm saying is that it may be fun to post a picture of Strawberry Shortcake on Facebook and to show others that you are morally against abuse...but don't forget that this is not the same as really helping those who really suffer.  And I pray that I, too,  may learn to view the world with more compassion and to become acutely AWARE of how powerful my position and HOPE in the LORD JESUS CHRIST really is.

Disappointment & Discontent: "The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want."

I have been in kind of a funk this week.  I had been so busy the last couple weeks and when Monday came I was free and yet instead of embracing this brief interim I allowed it to stagnate.  And I hate that!

The funk was born out of disappointment.  My brother invited us to join his family on their vacation to Orlando in August. Russ was up for it and I got all excited at the prospect of a real vacation with my family to a place near a beach!  Then Monday I began doing the research and quickly came to the realization that even with my brother covering some of the expenses--a trip to Orlando significantly exceeded our budget and we would have to turn down his generous and fun offer.  It was a huge let down.  I have inside of me an insatiable desire to travel and to photograph things that cannot be found in western Nebraska.  But travel is a luxury that practicality hasn't allowed me to indulge in with the exception of my honeymoon.  

It was within that initial disappointment that I allowed negativity to get an upper hand and begin to grow other feelings in me.  I used my sister's recent engagement as a catalyst for self-pity.   While she & my mom were discussing wedding dates & dresses,  I was sitting at home just waiting for an email or phone call updating me on the plans. And when I didn't hear from anyone, I felt left-out and ignored.   In the midst of my brother's vacation plans & my sister's wedding plans...I allowed myself to wallow in unhealthy selfish feelings of discontent, loneliness, and self-pity.  I'm not proud of it...but it is what it is.  I said things like, "I wish I wasn't so practical."  "I hate doing the same stupid things over & over with no end." (like laundry & dishes)  "I feel gray.  Just blending in & boring."  "Nobody is interested in me right now...including myself."    I was mourning unfilled dreams & aspirations and  I was feeling left-out & unneeded while at the same time (paradoxically) feeling uninspired & used. 

The whole time I'm feeling this way I am frustrated with myself for such pathetic self-centered-ness on my part.  I know I am blessed.  I know am loved.  I know I have worth. I know that the present is not a good indication of what the future may be.  I know that if God closes a door...it is for good reason and that I can trust in His perfect timing & His perfect plan for my life.  My joy is not dependent on what I have or don't have; what someone else says or doesn't say.  But in those moments I choose to let those lying feelings dominate me and I push aside (and yet still acknowledge) those truths that I know.  I choose to focus on me and my disappointments and hurts instead of creating ways to edify those I love in their journeys.

I have discovered that disappointment has always served as an opening in my life for the enemy to get a foothold.  I acknowledge this here publicly now as a way to stop this pattern in the future.  Last night I started reading Max Lucado's book, "Traveling Light: Releasing the burdens you were never intended to bear--The Promise of Psalm 23"  I got through the first four chapters and chapter 4 definately spoke to where I am this week.  It addresses 'the burden of discontent" and he closed the chapters having us repeat to ourselves, "The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want."

"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want."

"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want."

As much as I hate visible vulnerability in myself.  I am challenged to show you that side of myself.  I do cry.  I do hurt.  I am selfish.  I get disappointed.  I have pity parties.  I yell when I shouldn't.  I say things I don't really mean.  I am stupid sometimes.  I have the wrong answers and there are a lot of things I don't know.  But I am a child of the King and I am trying to be more others-focused without forgetting that I do matter and was created for a purpose.  I just let myself slip from remembering God's perfect provision sometimes and just need reminded occasionally that "The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want."

"thou art holy, O thou that inhabitest the praises"

"I will praise the LORD according to His righteousness,And will sing praise to the name of the LORD Most High."

Psalm 7:17

"All the earth shall worship You And sing praises to You; They shall sing praises to Your name.  Selah"

Psalm 66:4 

"thou art holy, O thou that inhabitest the praises of Israel." 

Psalm 22:3

There are certain worship songs that never fail to affect me.  They seem to somehow carry the Holy Spirit with them where ever they are sung.  Some would call them "anointed."   There seems to be no way to escape the LIFE that is in these songs.  Let us worship our Lord through these songs this morning...shall we?

 

"I will search for the one my heart loves"

^" All night long on my bed
       I looked for the one my heart loves;
       I looked for him but did not find him.   
I will get up now and go about the city,
       through its streets and squares;
       I will search for the one my heart loves.
       So I looked for him but did not find him.
  The watchmen found me
       as they made their rounds in the city.
       "Have you seen the one my heart loves?""
Song of Solomon 3:1-3

Russ & I are what I like to call "intellectual Christians."  And all I mean by that is that we thrive on teaching, on the details of scripture.   We like analyzing the possible layers of meaning in a passage.  We enjoy learning the history behind the stories, the meaning in the Greek, and seeing the archeological evidence.  Our type of teaching is that of men like Chuck Missler & Ravi Zacharias.  This is the aspect of Christianity that we have thrived in over the past few years and are comfortable with.  Recently, I have spent a lot of Sundays visiting my family and attending services with them, and God has been showing me more of the absolute beauty of worshiping in song & prayer and I have begun to long for more than what I have.  I have come to long to experience God more.

Here is where I may lose some of you...but I shall boldly plunge ahead.  On Easter Sunday while attending service with my parents, sister & brother's family, I felt like God gave me an analogy to help me see more clearly my current relationship with him.  He reminded me that I am his spotless bride & he is my bridegroom.  He reminded me of all the years we've shared together & all the ways he has provided for me in the past.  I reflected on how He knows everything about me...and how much I know Him.  Not only do I know about Him but I also believe that in a very real way I understand His heart.  However...He longs for more intimacy.  Just as in a earthly husband-wife relationship the woman often tends to talk more than she listens...I tend to talk to God without waiting to hear what He wants to say to me.  And just like in an earthly husband-wife relationship, our Heavenly Husband longs for us to experience Oneness with Him.  He longs for intimacy...and as the wife, we/I often dismiss this as an unrealistic expectation or as a secondary priority.  It is good for me to want to know Him...to learn his history, his hopes, his plans...it is good for me to rely on him to provide for me & to comfort me.  But it is also important for us to be intimate, and I feel as though God & I have been distant for some time.  I want to experience God...not just know all about him.  What kind of relationship would Russ & I have if I did all the talking (mostly requesting his help with stuff) but never let him pour his heart out to me?  What kind of marriage would it be if we never were intimate.  Sexual intimacy is what leads to the bearing of physical fruit (children).  So, I suspect that Spiritual intimacy with God is what leads to the bearing of spiritual fruit...and, boy, do I long to produce more of that!

Now that I have a better idea of what I want, the problem is that I still have little idea of how to cultivate this kind of relationship.  Russ & I have talked about it and we are trying to take steps in a new direction but it is a very slow process.  This is the prayer of my heart...and though my heart is willing...my flesh is oh, so weak!  So please pray with us as we are paving a new path to intimacy with our God.

"How handsome you are, my lover!
       Oh, how charming!
       And our bed is verdant."

Song of Solomon 1:16

For God's fridge

The first time I watched the Veggietales "A Snoodle's Tale" I wept and today while driving I had the same reaction when I listened to the Christmas song "The Little Drummer Boy" on the radio, I believe for the same reason.

Essentially they both speak to how we often feel as though we have nothing significant to offer but that God loves us and accepts whatever we can bring Him. In 'A Snoodles Tale' the little snoodle's efforts were belittled & mocked by the other snoodles but when he encounters the Creator, he is told that what the others see & say is irrelavant--all that matters is how He sees the little snoodle. And He tells him that the pictures the snoodle draws will be placed on His refrigerator! In the 'Little Drummer Boy', the boy realizes that he is poor and cannot give the baby Jesus anything of monetary value...the only thing he can do is play his drum. He takes what little he has & put forth his very best effort in offering his small song to the Lord.

I want to remember that God loves me the way I love my children and is pleased with my meager efforts & gifts but that He is worthy of so much more than I can give. I want to always "play my best for Him" yet remember that even when my best falls short...He is still pleased to place my work on His refrigerator!

'Voice of Truth'

One of the songs that has recently really spoken to me & resonated with my spirit is the Casting Crowns song, "Voice of Truth" The lyrics are the song of my heart. Wish I were better at listening to the voice of truth instead of the waves & the giants.

Voice of Truth
by Casting Crowns

Oh,what I would do to have
the kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown
Where Jesus is,
And he's holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name
and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
time and time again
"Boy, you'll never win,
you'll never win."

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

Oh, what I would do
to have the kind of strength it takes
To stand before a giant
with just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound
of a thousand warriors
shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out
my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
time and time again
"Boy you'll never win,
you'll never win."

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

But the stone was just the right size
to put the giant on the ground
and the waves they don't seem so high
from on top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
when I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
singing over me

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
The Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of truth says "this is for my glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me (calling out to me)
I will choose to listen and believe (I will choose to listen and believe)
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

I will listen and believe
I will listen and believe the Voice of truth
I will listen and believe
'Cause Jesus you are the Voice of truth
And I will listen to you.. oh you are the Voice of truth

Is God ever Silent?

Question:

Is God ever really silent or does it only seem like that to us sometimes because we aren't really listening or just can't hear Him for whatever reason?

I began to wonder this the other day while listening to BarlowGirl sing, "I believe in God even when He is silent."

Then I had a dream last night that was full of dialog with God where through many methods He kept pointing out how we often fall into patterns of using objects & routines as ways of communicating with Him. As an example from my dream--If we find Him behind a curtain then we tend to keep going back to that curtain expecting Him to be there to speak to us every time. We turn the curtain into the object of our attention rather than the living active God who only used the curtain for His purpose in our life once and is now wanting us to be with Him elsewhere.

Back to my question--Is God ever really silent or can we just not hear Him when He speaks because we get so far out of touch?

One could argue that if in no other way--His voice is always present in His created world as described in Romans 1:20 "For the invisible things of him from the creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even his eternal power and Godhead" and Psalm 19:1 "The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands." But are these "declarations" from nature remotely equivilant to God actually speaking to us through His Holy Spirit?

What do you think...is God ever silent?

Expectations & Responsibilities: An Excerpt from 'The Shack'

I just finished 'The Shack' by Wm. Paul Young. Very intriguing read. In it the main character (Mack) engages in conversation with the Trinity. It certainly makes you think about our relationship with the Lord in a new way & challenges preconceived ideas about God. Certainly should be read with an open mind but taken with a grain of salt. Anytime a person (I find Wm. Paul Young quite bold!) dares speak for God it is dangerous, but if it is read with the right attitude this book is well worth the short time it takes to read it. I thought I'd share a passage that was especially interesting to me and give you a taste...

""But, argued Mack, "if you didn't have expectations and responsibilities, wouldn't everything just fall apart?"

"Only if you are of the world, apart from me, and under the law. Responsibilities and expectations are the basis of guilt and shame and judgement, and they provide the essential framework that promotes performance as the basis for identity and value. You know well what it is like not to live up to someone's expectations."

"Boy, do I!" Mack mumbled. "It's not my idea of a good time." He paused briefly, a new thought flashing through his mind. "Are you saying you have no expectations of me?"

Papa now spoke up. "Honey, I've never placed an expectation on you or anyone else. The idea behind expectations requires that someone does not know the future or outcome and is trying to control behavior to get the desired result. Humans try to control behavior largely through expectations. I know you and everything about you. Why would I have an expectation other than what I already know? That would be foolish. And beyond that, because I have no expectations, you never disappoint me."

"What? You've never been disappointed in me?" Mack was trying hard to digest this.

"Never!" Papa stated emphatically. "What I do have is a constant and living expectancy in our relationship, and I give you an ability to respond to any situation and circumstance in which you find yourself. To the degree that you resort to expectations and responsibilities, to that degree you neither know me nor trust me."

"And," added Jesus, "to that degree you will live in fear.""

If you want to know more, read the book and/or visit the website-- www.theshackbook.com

My "I Am" Poem

Back at the end of May my sister posted an "I Am" poem that she wrote for one of her classes and several of my family members followed suit. I tried to write one at the time, following the format given here but I just couldn't seem to finish. However after writing my last post, I took another crack at it and this is what came of it...

I Am
by Gina K.C.

I am imperfect but sincere in my trying.
I wonder if God ever gets tired of waiting for me to listen to His voice.
I hear the echo of my thousands of flaws;
I see them falling at my feet, building a wall between me & Him.
I want to close my ears & eyes tight and just curl up in His Large Daddy Lap.
I am imperfect but sincere in my trying.

I pretend to be righteous but know it's a lie.
I feel the tugging of doubt on my sleeves.
I touch the eternal with gloves on my hands.
I worry that my treasures are dust but still
I cry out to Him.
I am imperfect but sincere in my trying.

I understand that life is full of mysteries.
I say "I will walk by faith."
I dream of a day when I am free from my fear.
I try to rest in His promises;
I hope I don't forget how.
I am imperfect but sincere in my trying.

My complaining spirit

I haven't blogged much lately...and if I'm really honest it is because I couldn't think of anything positive to write. I feel like lately all I've been is one large, ugly, lazy, useless, sloppy lump of negativity. I suppose the reason I have been hesitant to write about it has been because, first of all, I am not proud of it. Secondly, because I don't want people to misunderstand and blow my negative rantings out of proportion (I really do know & believe that I am SUPER blessed and am quite happy with my life.) Thirdly, I'm not comfortable with people seeing my 'darker' & more emotional side. But since I am currently close enough to these emotions to still see them but finally distant enough not to be submerged in them I figured tonight was a good time to write about them and perhaps find some perspective.

I am a complainer. I have known this for some time and believe that this aspect of myself is not compatible with who I am in Christ. It is an aspect of my flesh that I have become very comfortable with. Complaining comes so naturally for me that I don't even realize that I'm doing it most of the time. Recently on a drive home I was chatting with Russ. From my perspective I was just being conversational so it felt like kind of a slap in the face when Russ asked me if I had anything to say that wasn't negative or complainy. I was quiet for the next ten minutes because I couldn't think of a single thing to say.

I also tend to have a problem with making excuses.

The problem lately is that with this pregnancy I seem to have a lot to complain about & a lot of excuses that are pretty legitamite. But I know that this does not make my complaining or excuses any more excuseable. I want to have a cheerful, thankful heart. It is pretty clear from my experience and from Scripture that a negative attitude & thoughts just makes a person feel worse & does nothing but harm while a positive outlook is energizing & healing. ("A wise man's heart guides his mouth, and his lips promote instruction. Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones." Proverbs 16:23-24) ("A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." Proverbs 17:22) I want to be honest about how I am doing while still maintaining a cheerful spirit and not succombing to a negative self-destructive complaining attitude. I just don't know how.

I guess that is not entirely true...I know that there are certainly some changes I could make that would help. I need to spend more time thinking about the love, grace & blessings that my heavenly Father has lavished upon me & less time thinking about how I feel. I could spend more time in the Word & less time online. I could spend more time thinking about things I could do to make other people (especially my family) more cheerful, pleasant & feel more loved and less time worrying about myself & what they could be doing for me.

There was once a time in my life when I was much closer to who I wanted to be as a daughter of the King. I was by no means flawless but I was closer in my attitude. I feel like my attitude is like a dirty window--Slowly over time the dirt of negativity has built up and started blocking out the light and it happened so slowly that I didn't even notice ("It's a slow fade...") but now it needs a good scrubbing so that the light can shine in. And I know that when it does, the whole house will seem cleaner & brighter.

***Dear Lord...please help me wash my window so your Light can shine through me again. I am so used to the dirt, God, that I'm afraid that the light might hurt my eyes a little but I am anxious to be able to see my blessings clearly again. Thank you for your patience. Amen.***

Pregnancy hormones & depending on God

This is my third pregnancy and I have to say before I begin this blog that I have it pretty good. All my pregnancy have been relatively easy and problem free with only minor discomfort through-out. I feel quite sorry for the women out there who really suffer to bring their children into this world.

With that said, this has been my most difficult pregnancy so far. I am currently at 23 weeks and it feels as if I am on an emotional roller coaster ride! I get so down some evenings and yet, were you to ask me what was wrong, I would honestly have to reply that there is nothing wrong and that I'm perfectly happy with life...but I'm not cheerful. The next day I'll be energetic & downright pleasant! It feels weird to be inside this range of emotions because even while my body feels them, my mind is not engaged in the negative emotions since it has nothing negative to attach to them. This is how I know that they must be hormone related. Besides the emotional consequences of these hormonal fluctuations I also have been experiencing a lot more physical discomfort. It is usually while I am in downward swing emotionally that I have the most pain & yuckiness of physical feelings as well--headaches, stomach discomfort, nausea, & acid reflux.

Before my ultrasound I figured that my symptoms were stronger perhaps because I was having a boy instead of another girl but this theory has since been thrown out. This child is also the most active in utero. I remember noticing a lot of active movement with the other two at night when I was settling in for bed but this little nugget is busy ALL the time. I can be busy thinking and working mid-day and the distractions are not enough to keep me from noticing all the flip-flopping going on in there. I don't remember feeling the movement this strongly this early with the others either but maybe that's just a memory loss problem. I certainly forget sometimes how far along I really am since we waited so much longer this time to tell everyone then we did with Eden & Jasmine.

Anyway, between the emotions, the physical discomfort & general exhaustion, my mental state has been much more chaotic then I feel it should be and, as a result, I think my husband is starting to wonder what to do about me. He thinks I depend on him too much. Maybe I do, but from my perspective, to try to depend on anyone else just means MORE stress for me and that is exactly what I'm attempting to minimize.

The solution that I came up with today (which I suppose was painfully obvious) was that I need to spend more of my time depending on God to keep me encouraged and not on people or circumstances. I certainly have been more lax in this than I'd like to admit but it seems that He has spent the last couple of days subtly reminding me to depend on Him. As Chuck Missler often says, "God finds a new way every day to ask us, 'Do you trust Me?'" And I certainly have noticed this question popping up a lot lately in many varying ways.

Snow White

Once upon a time....

There was a beautiful, innocent girl. Out of pride & jealousy, the evil queen tricked her into eating poisoned fruit. As a result the girl took on a form of death. She remained in this state until the son of the king came to her and through miraculous means restored her to proper life. He then took her as his bride to reside in his father's castle to live happily ever after while the evil queen was banished forever!

What a wonderful story...that most of you will recognize as a simplified version of Snow White. However, the reason I love this story (although I never really liked the Disney version much) is because it is not just a silly fairy tale. It is a true story. It is our story...it is God's love story and we are Snow White.

Because once upon a time (about 6 thousand years ago) God created everything and it was very good. But people were the pinnacle of his creation, his beloved. We were glorious & innocent. Satan was the most beautiful & glorious of all the angels and his heart was filled with pride and he hated humans because they were the most beloved of all God's creation. In his jealousy he purposed to destroy our beauty. He wanted us to die. He came in disguise to the people in the garden and tempted them into eating the fruit that would poison them & cause them to die a spiritual death (& eventually a physical death) One bite from that "forbidden" fruit and we were plunged into a separation from the existence of the True Life of which they had been a part. Satan thought he had won. He had taken our beauty & our life away. But this was not to be the end of the story. The son of the King, Jesus Christ, came to rescue us. Because of His love for us He "kissed the taste of death" (so to speak) right out of our mouth. He overcame death for us and redeemed us to life again. This is where we now exist in this story. But the rest of the story is foretold and it ends very similarly to the story of Snow White. One day...our Prince, Jesus Christ, will take us home with Him to his Father's Castle to be His "snow white" spotless bride. And the Father will banish Satan to the bottomless pit--to be eternally cast out of Life in the Father's Kingdom. And we all will live happily ever after with the King! Amen!

"This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time, but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel." (2 Timothy 1:9-10) NIV

"But God will redeem my life from the grave;
he will surely take me to himself." (Psalm 49:15) NIV

"When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: "Death has been swallowed up in victory." "Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?" The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." (1 Corinthians 15:54-57) NIV

"New Again"

Blessings 'revealed by fire'

Last Sunday, Russ & I skipped church to rake & burn our yard. As I watched the pile burn I was reminded of the passage in 1 Corinthians 3 where it speaks of our works being judged by fire.


"If any man builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, his work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each man's work. If what he has built survives, he will receive his reward. If it is burned up, he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved, but only as one escaping through the flames." (1 Corinthians 3:12-15 NIV)

As I watched how quickly the tumble weeds burned, how the grass clippings smoldered & how the rocks just turned black, I reflected on this passage and prayed that my spiritual works & life will be shown to be built with gold (which only becomes more brilliant when put through fire) and not straw (which quickly & completely disappears when exposed to flame.)

Well, yesterday in church I received additional blessing when I realized that our church had been studying that very passage last Sunday while I was home working in our yard analyzing whether I will receive a reward or suffer loss. How Divine that God would see fit to reach me with the lesson he wanted me to have whether I had chosen to go to church that morning or (as it turned out) not.

The One from whom all blessing flow

Thanksgiving is a interesting holiday. It has become another excuse for Americans to take a day off from work and gorge themselves on turkey & stuffing & pumpkin pie. Some people watch the Thanksgiving day parade where hundreds of people in strange costumes dance & sing while huge air filled cartoon characters hover overhead. The best part of the Thanksgiving holiday in this crazy world is that it encourages people to enjoy family & friends and for a brief moment savor those blessings.

But even in those brief moments of thankfulness I wonder how many people are choosing to acknowledge the One from whom all blessings flow. Where are they directing their gratitude? Is our thankfulness for our blessings a vague whimsical idea that floats out into the nothingness of the universe or we thankful to someOne for allowing us the blessing of life.

The history of Thanksgiving takes us back to the Pilgrims who were celebrating the opportunity to live away from religious persecution. Although most of their number had died in the time proceeding that first celebration they did not lose sight of their goal which was to be able to freely worship their Lord & Savior in this new land. It was not simply about the harvest; it was not simply about bridging cultural gaps; No! Their celebration was about acknowledging the abundant grace of the One True God and the finished work of Jesus.

I, myself, find it difficult to quiet myself amongst all the turkey & family & traveling, long enough to sincerely have a moment with my eternal Best Friend to thank him for all He means to my life. To acknowledge that my family, my home, my food, my health, my talents, my friends, my salvation, & much more are all blessings from Him.

I pray that I can find that moment within myself today & everyday. And I pray that you, too, pause before that first bite of pie to say "thanks" to Him.

It's "who I am" that matters, not "what I do"

"So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord...... who has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time, but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel." (2 Timothy 1:8-10, NIV)

I think that one of the greatest spiritual misunderstandings is placing too much emphasis on what we do. So many people, so many religions feel that they must somehow "earn" God's favor. And they look at the world and view the "condemned" vs. the "saved" based on some guideline of performance. And this reasoning works both ways. "I have done such & such...and that guy down the street has committed such & such a sin, therefore we are not acceptable to God." Or it could be, "I have done this good thing and that guy down the street is really nice and helps in that such & such a way, therefore we are good and God will save us." But neither way is accurate.

When it comes to our spiritual standing with God, what we do is not the issue, rather it is who we are. We are not unacceptable to God because of the specific sins we commit; we are unacceptable to God because we are born sinners. I have inherited my filthiness in the same way that I inherited fingers & a liver. It is programed into my genetic makeup and has been passed down since Adam. It is part of being human in this fallen world. Therefore I am not any more acceptable to God than Adolf Hitler. Our sin is spiritually equal because it is not about performance. It is who I am (clothed in my sinful nature) and not what I do (specific sins) that condemn me.

Since our condemnation is not based on our performance, neither then is our salvation. Since I cannot separate myself from my sinful nature there is no way for me to "perform" or "work" my way into being acceptable to God. Since I am incapable of earning it, my salvation is dependent entirely on God's grace (undeserved favor) and Christ's finished work. I can perform my socks off, feeding entire starving countries, never telling a lie, always sacrificing my comforts for others...etc, etc. (anything you can think of that is good) and it is all useless because I still am grody to God because I have failed to rid myself of the inherited sin. "All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags" (Isaiah 64:6, NIV) or as Chuck Missler translates it "are like used menstrual pads." to God. (How do you like that imagery?)

The only way to rid ourselves (spiritually speaking) of the condemnation that proceeds from our sinfulness is to accept that Jesus took our deserved condemnation upon His (undeserving) self and let his perfection replace our sinful nature in God's eyes. We are only acceptable to Him because/if we are covered in Christ. It is because of "who we are" (Christ's) and not because of anything we did.

There are many applications that could proceed from this line of thought. Some people out there may still be trying to "earn" salvation and need to accept what Christ has done on their behalf. Some of you may be saved but still feel as though there is something you must "do" in order to deserve it. (Sorry, none of us could ever possibly "deserve" God's favor.) Some may not see clearly their sinfulness and believe that they are "good enough" for heaven. Or perhaps there is a thought somewhere in your mind that your sin is "better" than someone else's sin. Some sinful acts may carry greater earthly consequences but spiritually there is no sin that is "cleaner" than any other. Your sin nature which caused your "white lie" is just as damning as someone else's sin nature that caused them to murder.

I have struggled with several of these at one time or another in my life and am learning more every day what it means to be saved by grace, "through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast." (Ephesians 2:8-9, NKJV) I thank God every day that He saw our helpless filthy state and loved us enough to make a way for us to be with Him anyway. And I pray that I continue to learn that my works are meaningless if they are not His works by the Spirit.

"if you live according to the flesh you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ" (Romans 8:13-17, NKJV)

Praise God that it is "who I am" that matters
and that I am a child of God!