I remember telling my mom last summer that I felt like I was in a spiritual holding pattern...not going back but not really going forward either. And it's been like that for quite awhile . In college I felt so close to God and He and His ways were always in my mind & in my conversations. But after I moved on to the so-called 'real world' it all just kinda faded. I never really lost my connection to God but I lost my passion for Him and it just became another piece of life rather than the all-consuming topic/relationship that it once had been to me. I've been trying to live off of the fumes of the revelations God gave me in my college days rather than seeking fresh revelations in my new life as wife & mother.
Then about a year ago I started craving that intimacy & passion again in a big way. I started desiring the fellowship & excitement. I started seeking a renewal of my spiritual fervor. And I was met with discouragement.
This past year as been spent looking for a spark to reignite me...and coming up unlit. I started out looking for a new place to fellowship on Sunday mornings. The church we left was perfect for me when we moved here in 2006 and God made it very clear at that time that it was where we were suppose to be. But after three years, I felt like my needs began to change and that it was time to move on. So when we started attending different services elsewhere and things didn't click, I got frustrated. There is no perfect church and no matter where I went I came home empty. A lot of the places we attended are wonderful church fellowships that are filled up with people who love the Lord...I could have easily chosen any of these churches to attend regularly and to get involved with. But I was hoping to find a place that just felt like 'home'. And when none of them did I kept feeling more and more lost & discouraged. I didn't want to just go through the motions. I wanted a new church 'home' that would challenge me to grow in new ways and reach my spiritual emotions. But, that didn't happen. I was still the same old me, the services were the same old services... only now I was spiritually "homeless" and even more hungry for a taste of His Glory.
I don't know why it took a year for change to begin. Maybe I was looking in all the wrong places for God to move me. Maybe I just wasn't ready. Ironically, I'm still without a steady church but I found 'home' here in my own house within His arms! I got it! My passion is back, my excitement is back, my fervor is back! I finally am reading His Word and FEELING it soak into my bones and nourishing my soul! I can HEAR Him again, loudly! I SEE Him in every book I read; in every program I watch on tv; in every person I pass on the roads! I am actively aware of how my previous fears are dissipating; how my understanding, patience, & love is increasing; how I am more easily choosing to bless others in spite of myself! My heart is so open right now and it isn't all I feared it would be. I am anticipating the future God is leading me to without the trepidation I had even just a few months ago. Everytime I grasp a new truth, am exposed to a new subject, or feel a new emotion--I wonder how God is going to use it in my life. I have seen how The Adversary tries to trip me as soon as I have a God moment...sometimes within minutes...and I have overcame! (not always without a few bumps, though.)
But I am excited! I am praising Jesus! I have sought this breakthrough for over a year now and it has finally come! Thank you Jesus for your indescribable gift! I know that I have a long way to go before I am living up to my full potential in Him and my prayer is that I can use this initial 'Oomph' to simply build momentum to speed me closer & closer to my precious Savior! I pray also that Russ & I can find and agree on a fellowship to call "home" for the next leg of our journey and that God would make His will clear regarding that and other decisions that profoundly affect our future. My future is secure because it is in His hands!
"See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!"
1 John 3:1 (NIV)