I love Jesus.
I love my family.
I love photography.
I love books.
I love thinking.
Probably in that order.
I have a wonderful husband, five beautiful daughters, a house, and a camera. I enjoy spending time talking to my husband, playing with my girls, redecorating my house and shooting things with my camera.
In my spare time, I sleep.
It was one year ago today that I experienced a miscarriage at 12 weeks.
And here I am today holding a sweet new baby girl--who was born a year (almost to the day) after I found out that my 4th baby had no heartbeat.
It's bittersweet looking back. How can I be sad for my loss while holding this sweet child who could never have been had it not been for that loss? Yet how can I not be sad when I think of the child that once existed inside me but never made it to my arms? God clearly used that time in my life to reveal more of Himself to me and now my challenge is to hang on to the good and the Truth of who God is in spite of the hard things in this life and not give way to the fear that tries to bubble up and take me over.
A week after my miscarriage last year, I attended a worship service at my church. A couple of the songs we sang that night, now will always point me back to my lost baby and the way God was with me through that experience. Yesterday at church, we sang one of those songs, the hymn "Because He Lives". And in those minutes God's love hovered ever so close...reminding me of the journey from where I was last year...to where I am now.
Because He Lives I could face tomorrow. And because He lives there is always Hope. And Fear has only the power that I allow it to have.
Because He Lives
God sent His son, they called Him, Jesus;
He came to love, heal and forgive; He lived and died to buy my pardon, An empty grave is there to prove my Savior lives!
Chorus Because He lives, I can face tomorrow, Because He lives, all fear is gone; Because I know He holds the future, And life is worth the living, Just because He lives!
How sweet to hold a newborn baby, And feel the pride and joy he gives; But greater still the calm assurance: This child can face uncertain days because He Lives! ait
Chorus Because He lives, I can face tomorrow, Because He lives, all fear is gone; Because I know He holds the future, And life is worth the living, Just because He lives!
And then one day, I'll cross the river, I'll fight life's final war with pain; And then, as death gives way to vict'ry, I'll see the lights of glory and I'll know He lives!
Chorus Because He lives, I can face tomorrow, Because He lives, all fear is gone; Because I know He holds the future, And life is worth the living, Just because He lives!
Kira has arrived!! She was born on Oct. 13th at 11:59 pm. She weighed 7 lb, 1 oz and was 20" long. And absolutely beautiful!
At 39 weeks along according to my Oct. 17th due date, I was beginning to really anticipate birth. I was still feeling kinda distant from the reality of giving birth and having a newborn so soon but since I knew it was coming I embraced the anticipation and began looking for signs of impending labor. At my last OB appointment my midwife said that I was at 4cm and then on Wednesday I showed signs of losing my mucous plug and bloody show. Everyone I talked to said "It's going to be soon and it's going to happen fast." I was hoping they were correct but I was much more skeptical. On Thursday evening I began to have some mild contractions time-able between 5-10 minutes apart. Russ watched a movie while I slept next to him, hoping this would be it. I made it through the night with the contractions mostly gone by morning.
I had these same contractions on and off all day Friday. Friday afternoon they got a bit stronger and while on the phone with my mom we timed them at 5-6 minutes apart. My mom started getting super excited and was saying that this was it. I remembered the night before and wasn't about to call this the real deal yet. But Mom called my sister and soon Jill was calling me to ask if I wanted her & her husband to take the girls for the night. I warned her that I wasn't convinced yet that this was the time but figured that if it was it would be so much easier not having to worry about the kids in the middle of the night. So off the girls went to their Aunt & Uncle's house. The contractions held pretty steady but didn't get any stronger or any closer together. Knowing my regular ob/midwife was out of town for the entire weekend and not knowing if this was the real deal I went ahead and called the hospital at about 10 pm to get some advice. I found out the doctor on call was the doctor that my chiropractor had advised me to stay away from and so when this particular md told me to give it more time and try to get some sleep, I felt better about doing so. I slept and woke up the next morning in my own bed without the contractions ever getting any worse.
It was nice waking up to a quiet, child free home for a change. Although I felt kinda bad about my kids staying with my sister all night when I wasn't even in labor. Russ & I enjoyed a quiet morning. We slept in, ate some breakfast, and then headed to the mall to do some walking (since it was drizzly & cold outside) hoping to help labor along. After the mall, we ate lunch at an actual sit-down restaurant and simply enjoyed each other's company. :) We stopped in to check on the kids and decide what to do about them for the rest of the evening. They were glad to see us but in the end we decided that they may as well spend another night with Jill. We came home and I ate a piece of toast and the contractions started again. This time a little stronger.
Russ and I started watching a movie and the contractions were definitely getting more painful but weren't any closer together. They averaged between 5-10 minutes. Half way through the movie at about 8:30 pm I decided that I didn't want to wait anymore and let it get later & later. I decided to at least go to the birth center and see where I was with everything and go from there. I also knew that the on-call doctor was someone I felt better about seeing. Russ took a shower while I finished packing up. I called my mom & sister to let them know that we were heading to the hospital and out the door we went.
We got to the hospital sometime around 9 o'clock. One of the nurses, 'Michelle', (one of the best nurses I've ever had, btw.) got us settled in the room, asked all the usual questions and checked me. She said I was still around a 4, maybe a 5 and then she contacted the ob about what to do. She had me walk around the hospital for 45 minutes (until 10 pm) to see if the contractions got any stronger and if I dilated anymore. Russ & I walked the circle around the birth center so many times. It almost felt silly walking in circles for so long. I started singing paraphrases of the 'Soul Coughing' song. "They told me to walk around in circles, walk around in circles, walk around in circles." :)
At 10 pm, Michelle checked me again and then had another nurse check. They concluded that I was probably close to a 6 so I got to stay. They officially checked me in, got me an id bracelet, an IV, and set up the room for a delivery. The on-call doctor came by and introduced herself and checked me. Then, at my okay, she broke my water. I expected the contractions to immediately get worse but it actually seemed to take a bit before things got going again after that. But got going they did.
My contractions slowly began to get worse. I had Russ give me my Ipod so I could listen to some worship music to distract me during the strengthening contractions. This was pretty effective. One of the first few songs I listened to was "Be Still and Know" by Steven Curtis Chapman and that was exactly the kind of song I needed to calm my nerves and get my mind back in the right place. If I concentrated on the songs, I found the pain much more bearable. Michelle kept asking how I was doing and requested that I let her know if I felt any need to push. I went to the bathroom and we joked about me not having a toilet baby. I started feeling like I wanted to push and upon checking was told I was still only at an 8 and should resist any urge to push during the next few contractions. This happened again and then she suggested I lie on my side for a couple contractions and then she'd check again. After two painful contractions on my side I became insistant on pushing and almost started to freak out a little. I was ready and it was pushing time.
They got the bed "set-up" for pushing which was extremely uncomfortable for me but I was in no position to do much about anything. The doctor & several nurses were there and Russ was to my right and the pushing began. I pushed through one contraction when they took my Ipod away so that they wouldn't get it all gooey when they went to put the baby on my chest later. It was funny that I had been listening to music the whole time but didn't necessarily realize what a difference it made until they took it away and I could only hear the medical bustle of the room. Michelle was the only voice I remember hearing as she encouraged me & counted through the 10 pushes it took to bring my baby into the world. My experience in having children really helped me this time around I noticed because in those moments of pushing when I felt so much pain & felt like I just wanted to quit because I felt like I needed to breathe or take a break, I would remind myself that if I could just hold out a tiny bit longer then I may very well be finished and be done with all of it that much sooner. This was one of my last thoughts as I suffered through that 10th push that caused Kira to be born just seconds shy of midnight. It makes me laugh to think that if I had given into those desperate thoughts of needing to take a breather in the midst of pushing, perhaps my baby would have been born on the 14th instead of the 13th. :)
They did a very quick wipe down and put the baby on my chest for some skin-to-skin time. And then they waited a minute (per our request) before clamping the cord and having Russ cut it. I was still very uncomfortable. Delivering the placenta helped relieve some of the discomfort but even after that-- my back hurt, my legs hurt, my uterus and other parts hurt so it was hard to really concentrate on the beautiful little baby on my chest. The one thing I remember most about her was how purple her head and face were and how blue her fingers were. And I was amazed at how perfectly pretty her short dark hair was on her beautifully shaped head.
It was a new experience getting the skin-to-skin time. It was new procedure for our hospital that they began incorporating some time since I gave birth 3 years ago. They put her naked little body still with residual goo on my chest and just left us alone while they cleaned up the room. Russ called my mom and let her know that Kira had been born. I did my best to snuggle up with my naked little baby and soak in the reality of it all. Eventually she nursed for the first time and I was ready to give her over and get myself cleaned up and feeling better. (Mostly because I thought I was gonna pee myself if I didn't get up soon!) I don't know how long I held her but I loved how much more laid back the whole experience was. No rushing, no poking & prodding my baby until after I had had a chance to bond for awhile. Such a contrast to the way things happened with the others.
So it was at this time that they finally weighed & measured the baby while I got up went to the bathroom and took a partial shower. Russ stuck close to the baby while I was busy taking care of me. The NICU nurse came in and did a health assessment and declared Kira perfectly healthy. They got her all "checked in" and tagged. And then one of the student nurses came and gave her her first bath. In all of these things, Kira was never removed from the room. Her temp was a little low so they had her rest on the warmer for awhile before they would move us into our recovery room. While we waited to be moved I ate a Lara bar to help quench my extreme hunger from having skipped supper.
It was sometime around 2:30 am (I think) when we were moved into room 163 for the duration of our stay and said goodbye to our wonderful delivery nurse, Michelle. We spent an hour mooning over Kira before Russ decided to get some sleep. I stayed up a bit waiting for our new nurse to come in and take our 4 am vitals. Ended up only getting about 2 1/2 hours of sleep total that night.
When I woke up on Sunday morning and held my Kira, it was crazy for me to think about God's timing in bringing this sweet little girl into my life. October 14th, 2011 was the day that I found out that my other baby had no heartbeat and would inevitably be miscarried. And October 14th, 2012 was the day I first got to enjoy Kira. God is good and my baby is beautiful! :)
The time is drawing near for my little baby to be born. I'm 38 weeks along now and counting down the days until go time. Last month my brother's wife...my wonderful sister-in-law, Sarah, took time out of her schedule to take some maternity pics for me. I wanted to share a few while they are still relevant and this blog isn't filled up with baby talk & pics. ;)
So...it's been awhile. That's what happens when you're pregnant, I guess. And it's hot. And you have three other little kids. And you're always tired. And there is always laundry to do, and meals to fix, and pillows to keep company. Etcetera. ;)
These last couple months have really zoomed by. After my grandfather's funeral in July, we celebrated Independence Day with friends, family & food. No fireworks though. Just sparklers 'cause it was just too dry in these parts to take the risk. And since then...I don't think we've had a single real rain cloud. So sad. So hot. So dry. In fact, just last weekend my hometown area was just surrounded in out-of-control fires that were caused by dry lightning. Five homes were lost and thousands of acres burned. In fact, fire came withing yards of my childhood best friend's parent's home where I spend a great deal of my growing up years! Thankfully, the fires seem to be mostly contained at this point but the lack of rain really has been a HUGE problem this summer. :(
Mid-July I escaped my husband & kids for a weekend and attended Hills Alive Music Festival in SD with my parents. That was kind of a nice little break. I got to enjoy MercyMe & TobyMac interrupted only by the calls of my ever shrinking bladder and not by tired, sweaty children. And I got to do a little thrift store shopping. I was actually surprised that my parents we as accommodating to this as they were. Overall it was a pleasant weekend.
In August, my cousin got married and I got to be the photographer at the wedding. It was fun but totally exhausting. Especially at 7 months pregnant. I could barely move the next day I was so sore and tired! I still have some editing to do for them but I posted a few on my other blog HERE to keep them from getting too impatient with me.
It was about this time that Acacia up & decided that she had had enough of diapers and began using the potty full time. It seemed so sudden to me! We bought her a little package of panties and she has been doing great! Only one real accident to speak of. Completely dry through the nights! I am one happy mama. :)
Russ & I also celebrated our 9th anniversary on August 16th. Didn't get to do anything much. Russ was working out of town and didn't get home until late so we ate at Pizza Hut with the kids on our actual anniversary. But we got to go out to a nice place alone a couple weeks earlier so we didn't feel too cheated.
Russ has been working on our bathroom remodel. We started tearing it apart over a year ago and it is finally almost finished. Just a few more tiles and some grouting and I may actually have a shower upstairs again. And now it is BEAUTIFUL! You'll get the full before & after when it is finally officially "after". :)
I am at 34 weeks in my pregnancy now. Getting more awkward by the day! Was in full-on nesting mode last week trying to get the house as absolutely organized as possible. Purging anything that was not necessary. Lot of trash & trips to Goodwill. Even sold a few things on Facebook. It's weird though, because I don't feel at all like I'm going to be bringing home a newborn in just a few short weeks. I haven't had to buy anything for this baby since we've been told it's probably another girl and all the basics are covered. We haven't got a room ready for her, no crib set up or anything, 'cause we know from experience that baby will spend at least the first six weeks (possibly months) in our room. So we put the pack & play in the corner there which is just randomly filled with everything we think we'll use during those first weeks. Not exactly "welcome home" friendly yet. In addition to feeling like a real baby is kind of an ethereal concept and not a fact I should be getting practically prepared for. I have also been experiencing some crazy issues with heart palpitations and shortness of breath which has led to other symptoms such as extreme weakness & pain in my upper arms and legs. It's something I've experienced before but the symptoms have never been this pronounced. When it happens, I feel just awful and have to just lie down until it passes. Hard to be productive when you feel too weak to stand and you have to lie down all the time! When I almost passed out in the ob's office they finally started taking me seriously. Add on to this a family history of atrial fib and Wolff-Parkinson-White and they ordered a Holter monitor test. BUT since I am a self-pay patient, the hospital is waiting on payment plan/help confirmation before they will administer the test. At this point, I'm thinking it's all pretty pointless anyway. I had an EKG when I was pregnant with Acacia that found nothing, and what are they going to do if they did find something this time anyway? I'm having a baby in less than 6 weeks!
On top of everything else the school year has begun and I'm attempting my third year of homeschooling in the midst of all of this craziness! Not only am I teaching Eden who is now in 2nd grade but I've also started Jasmine on Kindergarten. I wanted to start a little early this year since I know I'll be taking a break mid-October when the baby is born, but now that I've started, I'm not very worried about keeping caught up. The girls are getting their work done much more quickly then I had anticipated, so I don't think those crazy sleep-deprived couple of weeks in October are going to set us back too significantly. Praise God! Jasmine is picking the routine up quite well. We are currently in review of stuff she knows very well already so it seems super easy to her and is a good way to get her used to daily work. She doesn't enjoy the handwriting practice very much and (as with everything else) wants to do things on her own terms which can be pretty frustrating at times...but that's okay. It's the nature of the beast! Eden has a tendancy to be easily distracted so having Jasmine working nearby has been a bit of a challenge. But since Jazzy tends to finish her busy work much more quickly than Eden...Eden still gets a lot of one-on-one time with me once Jasmine has been excused, which works out nicely. Acacia has been pretty cooperative so far. While we work at the table, she usually plays nicely alone or sits with us doing her own "homework". :) The only time there is a problem is when I'm trying to read lessons to the girls. It seems that if I'm reading, she thinks this is a good time to make lots of noise or try to talk to us. But I honestly have almost had as much of a problem with Jasmine doing this as Acacia! They just don't seem to understand the concept of sitting quietly and listening. But other than those couple of minor issues, school has been going very well...much better than I had really expected it to. Now we just have to wait to find out how adding a newborn to the mix is going to affect us.
We've also just started dance classes again this week. Acacia had her first dance class ever and was sooo incredibly excited. She didn't show even a bit of timidity or trepidation about going. She walked in as if she owned the place and her teacher said afterward that she acted like she knew everything already. Probably from watching her sisters. Eden is taking three different classes this year: ballet, tap and jazz. She really wasn't enthused about tap but she wanted to take jazz pretty badly and so when the teacher said she needed to be in both ballet & tap in order to take jazz, she was back on board. Jasmine decided in July when we registered that she was going to sit this year out of dance. Was adament for weeks that she was perfectly happy NOT being in dance this year. That was until dance actually started! Now she says that she wants to be in the Monday evening Pre-K class that follows Eden's ballet/tap classes. Seems like that's okay with everyone. I just hope she doesn't change her mind again. She keeps saying that she wants to be a ballerina. So we'll see. :)
Anyway, that's a quick recap of what has been going on here the last couple of months. Hopefully I'll be able to post more now that summer is winding down but I can't make any guarantees. I am a pregnant homeschooling mommy with three other kids after all!
Spring has sprung and, with it, all the signs of new emerging life.
And I am gently reminded that had things played out differently I would be close to welcoming my fourth child into the world. Instead I stare at his/her makeshift grave and mourn what could have been and yet rejoice with a God who makes the flowers grow and who holds my child in His hand, knowing that nothing is lost that is in Him.
Miscarriage...it's hard to describe the emotional backlash that it has had on my view of life. I know that before, I would feel sad for those who went through one...but I was so entrenched in my happy naive world that the truth of what it meant didn't touch me. Maybe part of that was simply my youth and relative lack of genuine suffering in life. But now, moving forward after having endured loss in this way, I am more aware than ever of the fragility of life.
Fear of loss of any kind had started creeping into my life before this, as I watched young & old alike suffer and die in unexpected and unfair ways. But since I lost my pregnancy in October, an awareness beyond what is helpful, of all the ways loss & suffering can touch lives, has become an unwanted companion of which I have been struggling to break free.
The Bible teaches that although in this world we will have trouble, we should take heart; we should rejoice, we should have hope...because Jesus has overcome the world and all its troubles. Death has lost its sting. This doesn't make suffering or loss any more welcome or pain-free but the truth is, it does take away the sting to know that all this is temporary and "unworthy to be compared to the glory to be revealed" It is healing to know that "all things work together for good" and that God has a plan for my life even in the hard things.
In February, I found out that I was pregnant again. Joy was not my first emotion. My first emotion was Fear. Wariness. Cynicism. I had an attitude of..."just because I'm pregnant now, doesn't mean it will last" I wanted to be be happy; I wanted to feel excitement and hope; but instead I mostly felt numb. I didn't want to tell anyone about it. With Eden, the pee stick wasn't even dry before I began telling my family... but this time, I just wanted to pretend that I wasn't pregnant at all...as if that would protect me from hurt, if I were to miscarry again. I didn't want anyone to know because I didn't want to talk about it. There were just too many emotions mixed up in the topic. I wanted to hope...but knowing I was pregnant did not transfer to envisioning a baby in my arms. I couldn't imagine myself holding this baby. I wouldn't let myself.
At 8 weeks, 2 days, (1 day past when my last baby stopped growing) I had an ultrasound... Oh the anxiety! The ultrasound showed a healthy baby measuring 9 weeks gestation. I felt relief but not assurance. I still felt it was too early to get my hopes up too high. My baby was still growing with a sweet little beating heart (and measuring 5 days bigger!) but I still couldn't bear the thought of talking about it. "Too soon, too soon" was the sad beat of my heart. I had to make it through the first trimester...THEN I would be okay.
At 13 weeks, I went to my next appointment, anxious to hear that sweet sound of a heartbeat that had been absent in my last baby...and there is was. The way it played out...with the midwife yammering about a past vacation while finding the heartbeat...made it a rather anticlimactic event...but it was there and again, I felt a wave of relief.
That was two weeks ago and I am pleased that I am beginning to feel more secure in this pregnancy. We told our families, including our girls. I am beginning to notice the expansion of my middle and I have finally allowed myself to start looking at baby name books and maternity clothes. But to say that the fear and anxiety have left...would be a lie. Every ache, makes my heart twinge with fear. And although my fear of miscarriage has let up, I have now been warding off fears of deformity & illness and all the other things that can go wrong with babies & pregnancy in this fallen world. Oh fragility!
I must pray daily against these spirits of fear & worry. I know deep in my soul that my God reigns and that His desire is that we love deeply and live fully. And that fear & anxiety hold me back from those things...but my flesh is so, so weak.
I am having kind of a hard week emotionally. I'm sure that the stresses of the holiday season, homeschooling, bathroom remodel drama and hormones are all contributing, but the truth is that I'm still mourning the baby that I lost.
This Friday would have marked my 20th week--the half way point of pregnancy. But instead of joyfully announcing the gender of my child, I am dealing with my monthly reminder that I am no longer growing that baby inside of me.
I wish I could go back to 'before' when I didn't know first-hand how fragile life can be. Back when the thought of getting pregnant was just exciting and not both something I crave and fear at the same time.
I don't know why this week has been harder than the others. Maybe it's something about how the holidays bring out a sentimental side. Maybe it's all the reminders that I'm not pregnant. Maybe it's all the pregnant women and talk of babies that seems to be happening lately. Maybe I can chock it up to the "that time of the month" hormones. I don't know. But what I do know is that I'm sad. And that even though I realize how unbelievably blessed I am and that when I compare my lot in life with those of others...I feel as though I have no room to complain--I still feel the pain of loss and I still have so many bittersweet moments when I miss what should have been.
No one wants to talk about it...and I don't suppose I really want to either. But at the same time I don't want to pretend like it never happened and that I don't still think about it on a daily basis. Russ knows that I still struggle...but even to him I only hint at the reason 'cause I can't bring myself to actually say the words.
Life may be back to "normal" but my heart will never quite be the same.
For the last few years I have really struggled with fear. I knew that it wasn't right. I wanted to be able to sit back and trust God and know that no matter what happened, it would be okay. But I couldn't. I would think about all the "what ifs" that could devastate my life and let them have power over me. The world is filled with tragedy and sickness and perversion. People die in horrible unexpected ways. People fight and get divorced just because. People are abused and mistreated. People fight & suffer with diseases just to die anyway. And all this bad stuff is no respecter of persons. Just as it is written in Matthew, it rains on the just as well as the unjust. "Nice" people as well as "cruel" people. Christians as well as non-Christians. The fallenness of this world is overwhelming and I was always wondering, "when is it going to happen to me?".
I have led a pretty sweet life. I grew up in a family who loved me, within miles of all four of my grandparents, as well as aunts, uncles, & cousins. Divorce has only touched my life through friends and distant relatives. Abuse is something I've only read about. I was healthy, smart & well-liked. I never had to fight physical limitations. I've never tried to overcome a learning disability. I've never dealt with bullies. I became a Christian at a young age and as a young person was blessed with a hope & faith that freed me from care. I attended college, made some great friends, and suffered only the minor hurts of disappointment. As a 31 year old woman, I am amazingly blessed. I live in a nice warm home with my loving, hard working husband; I have 3 healthy, smart & beautiful little girls. And over the course of adulthood, rather than focusing on what a blessing this life is and enjoying every moment, I began to feel like it is too good to last and that I needed to be on the alert because any day the proverbial "other shoe" could drop.
Then I had the miscarriage. As far as tragedies go, I would rate it low. But it was a loss, none the less, and it brought me to a place with God of asking the ever present question of this fallen world, "why?" Why do some prayers get answered with miracles and some don't. Why did that young Christian mother have to die of cancer while the 80 year old man who abused his children lives on? Why did that vehicle hit that patch of ice? Why did that couple give up after 18 years of marriage?
And the fact is...God has an answer. It just often isn't the answer we want to hear. What I have been learning is that in this mess of a world that was made messy by our own hand, God owes us nothing but he has given us everything. If He were to step back from us...we would all die. Our question more appropriately should be, "Why was I allowed such moments of joy? Why was that person who died of cancer allowed that extra time to say goodbye? Why was I allowed the blessing of motherhood? Why am I blessed with an abundance of food & water to care for me and my family? In a fallen world, the norm should be pain not joy; death not life but because of His provision we get the good with the bad.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."Romans 8:28
As Christians, this is our go-to verse in times of suffering. It is a promise we hold on to because we don't always see the good. We don't always feel as if anything good is or could ever come from the experience. But through this promise we know differently. This is where it has been helpful for me to look at the life of Joseph in Genesis. He was beaten & sold into slavery by his own brothers. Pretty bad...but there is, first of all, a blessing in the the fact that he wasn't dead because they had planned to kill him. Then he gets to Egypt and is a slave...he is falsely accused of attempted rape and is thrown into prison. He was in prison A LONG TIME. Years. I'll bet it wouldn't feel like a blessing. But if he hadn't been in prison he wouldn't have had the opportunity to interpret the dreams of the pharoh's servants and therefore the dreams of the pharoh himself. And if he hadn't done that, he wouldn't have had the opportunity to prepare for the famine and the nation and he and his entire family would have starved to death! God worked it for good in the end. I beleive that he is doing the same in our lives even in pain and death.
Yesterday I attended the funeral of a beautiful Christian lady who had been fighting cancer for 30 years. I didn't know her well, only having met her a couple of times, but it didn't take much to see that she knew what mattered in life; that she was someone special. At the funeral I sat in the back of the church with my girls and listened to the officiant. He quoted Ecclesiastes 3:4 that says, "there is a time to mourn and a time to dance" and he talked about how we mourn the fact that we will never get to enjoy her here on earth again and remarked how she is dancing in heaven. That made me smile through my tears. We get so caught up in the pain & loss of this world that sometimes we consider God's orchestration in it all to be either irrelevant or cruel and we consider tossing Him out. But that would be to toss our greatest asset in all this suffering!
I started this post talking about my battle with fear. The ironic thing is that it took a loss, a taste of suffering, to remove it. Through my miscarriage I learned, more tangibly, that I have no control. And fear does nothing to prevent anything. But more importantly I learned that God is the only solid foundation for dealing with the pains of this world. He is the only place to find hope amidst all the ugliness that this life doles out. Even if we are never allowed an understanding of the "whys", we can rest in knowing that He does and that when we or those we love die in this battle, they are dancing with Life in a world that knows no suffering. And that assurance helps ease the fear.
And honestly I'm not sure how to speak of the whole situation. I'm not as sad as I expected to be but I think that is because I dealt with the sadness and the depression two weeks ago when we first found out that our baby no longer had a heartbeat and had quit growing at 8 wks, 1 dy. And I think that I can easily say that my current peace over the situation is due to Jesus' work in my life the last two weeks.
Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." And I can say with confidence that good has already come from this unwanted & unwelcomed situation in my life.
In early Sept. we found out we were expecting. We were excited but I was wary to get too excited or tell anyone. I went in to the clinic. Because of some pregnancy test confusion and elevated Hcg levels, the nurse ordered a ultrasound to confirm my due date. I went in somber not wanting to get too excited almost as if expecting something to be wrong.
But there wasn't. The ultrasound showed a perfectly healthy little fetus that dated right on at 7 wks, 3 days. I came home happy & relieved. A few days later (at 8 wks) I told my family the happy news.
Now that I had visual confirmation that there really was a baby and that it was healthy & fine, I began to get excited about the new little life that was to join our family in May. I bought some new maternity jeans and began to reschedule my future to include pregnancy, birth & nursing. Russ & I talked about making this our last kid and how we each felt about that.
On October 14th I had my first OB appointment. It was pleasant with all the usual niceitys. Usually in my midwife's routine she'll check for the heartbeat as one of the first things but I had a student this day instead and she said that she liked to save that for last, so after a really long appointment she tries to find a heartbeat and can't. She gets my midwife and she can't find a heartbeat either. They leave me and go see if they can get me in for an ultrasound right away just to make sure things are fine. I waited for a long time...Russ is home with the kids and I'm beginning to think he'll be wondering about me. But I couldn't call him because my cell phone wasn't in my purse. Emotionally at this point I'm doing okay. I knew there was a chance that there was a problem but I assumed that it was just a fluke that they couldn't find the heartbeat with the doppler since it was still fairly early and that the ultrasound would just ease my mind.
When I finally got in with the ultrasound tech and the picture was on the screen, I knew right away that the news wasn't good. Having just had an ultrasound two weeks earlier I knew what a heartbeat should look like and I didn't see one. After a minute the tech explained the baby was only measuring at 8 wks, 1 d. and there was no heartbeat. She said, "I'm sorry." and asked if anyone was with me or if I wanted to call anyone. I declined and followed someone back down to a room to meet with my midwife.
I was pretty numb. I sat there while she talked to me about how this was sad and how it is normal. She talked to me about how it wasn't my fault, how people would say dumb things, and about how my husband may not deal with it in the same timing as me. She talked to me about my options...waiting to let miscarriage happen naturally or scheduling a d&c. I chose the former. I fought back tears...just hoping to make it out before crying. She scheduled me to come back in a week and told me I could call her anytime.
I cried a little on my short drive home. I found Russ downstairs. He casually asked me how it went. "Not good." was my reply. As I fell into his arms I explained what had happened. It was just surreal. I decided to call my mom before the reality really sank in. I asked her to tell everyone else. I couldn't bear to do that.
The next day was Saturday. I pretty much spent the day lying around, watching tv. Television was the only thing I could do to keep myself from dwelling on the bad news that my baby was dead. Russ gave me food and I put it in my mouth. If he hadn't brought me food, I'm sure I wouldn't have eaten anything. I was in a depression. I was scheduled to take engagement picture that evening for a couple I had never met. When the time came, I forced myself out of bed and to that session. It was a tough one. I was so distracted at first, I felt like I was not even there and I was wishing I had cancelled. By the end of it, I was doing much better and was glad that I went.
My parents had attended a healing conference on Saturday and felt it was important that they come down on Sunday and pray over me and the baby. I was grateful for this and had really wanted that but was also nervous because I am not comfortable being emotionally vulnerable in front of people (even my own family) and I knew that I nearly always break down when I am being prayed over and with this being an exceptionally emotional situation anyway, I was just plain anxious about it. My whole family (brother, sister & their spouses and my parents) decided to come and intercede for this wanted child. Before they arrived I took a walk to listen to worship music & talk to God. I could feel hope welling up in me and yet I was broken inside.
That afternoon with my family was fantastic. We talked about the importance of praying and coming against the enemy. We talked about having a faith in the God of miracles. My parents shared passages of scripture with us (some of which my mom had read to me earlier that morning as well) that they felt God had led them to. And then we all came together and many prayed over me and it was a powerful unifying family experience. Afterward, we all went out for pizza and I had a measure of peace that I hadn't had before that.
The next week is impossible to explain in a few words. I had a renewed fervor for the Lord. I tried to soak up as much as I could. I watched a ton of sermons on tv, I read my bible a lot, and I listened to worship music in between. Every lesson God brought me to seemed to build on the one before. I was led to hope and then I was led to faith and I began to believe that Jesus would heal my unborn child. I had (have) no doubt that he could (can) for he is a God that can raise the dead to life and that week, I began to believe he would. I had faith. This post gives more insight into where my heart was at this time.
Friday, October 21st was my visit to the ob. I was nervous and excited because I expected to be presented with evidence that my baby was alive but I knew that it would be my responsibility to ask. I was allowed to have another ultrasound and it showed...no change.
I was disappointed but not discouraged. My walk with the Lord was growing enormously and I certainly wasn't going to let this set me back. Jesus kept leading me and I began to see how I was still putting some of the faith in my own self...even in my own "faith" as if that would "earn" me a miracle. I came to a place of saying to the Lord, "I know that You can give me a miracle and I'm still going to believe for one. But if your answer turns out to be 'no' I will trust in your wisdom and sovereignty and accept that. No matter what, I am going to walk with you one day at a time." This week, the most prominent word from God has been to not dwell on the past or worry about the future but to just trust in Him moment by moment. I spent the week in that state a mind and hoping that a miracle would be in my future but realizing that even if it wasn't I would be okay.
Thursday evening I had the very first hint of miscarriage. In that moment I dealt with my sadness and disappointment. For a half hour I let myself play with ideas of injustice and betrayal but then quickly spoke of God's goodness, sovereignty, & wisdom as I worshiped Him by singing, "Turn your eyes upon Jesus" and "Because He Lives"
Friday, my mom offered to watch the girls for the weekend so I got them packed up and sent them off to 'Meanma & Papa's" house with my sister & brother-in-law. I was scheduled for two photo shoots on Saturday but knowing miscarriage was imminent and not knowing when or how it would play out I went ahead and cancelled everything for the weekend.
Russ & I spent most of Saturday wandering around Home Depot and working on our home improvement projects. I pulled nails out of the side of our house and bagged up some old insulation. I had some cramping all day but nothing too serious. By evening the cramps were definitly intensifying. By 8 pm I was pretty uncomfortable and decided to take a bath. Just as I was finishing up and preparing to get out, I began to miscarry.
I'll leave out the details but things got very real up in here. But I was completely calm and at peace through the whole experience and am blessed with a wonderful husband who was a great help to me as well.
Today I woke up feeling normal again. I cannot say that I am happy but I can say I am at peace. I know that there are going to many sad moments in the coming months when we reach days that should have been milestones for this baby and when there are reminders of what should have been. But right now...there is a peace. I know that my baby is resting with Jesus in the heavenly places. I know that this experience has brought me to a renewed relationship & reliance on God that I have no wish to relinquish. And now that I have a firm 'no' from Him in regard to this miracle and I know that there must be a reason for it beyond my understanding, I can now move forward to the next step in my life and in my walk with Him.
It is not easy to lose a child, even one you have never held. But today as I release this unknown child into His eternal care, I refuse to dwell on what might have been but instead I will choose to rejoice in how this child's short existence affected my soul in such a positive way.
1) No more acid reflux. 2) I can lay on my stomach. 3) I can make it up the stairs without stopping to rest. 4) Less visits to the bathroom. 5) Reclining on my bed is comfortable again. 6) I can see past my belly button. 7) I can put on my socks. 8) I can shave my legs. 9) My clothes fit me again. 10) I no longer waddle. 11) I don't scrape my belly on the edge of the bathroom sink or the doorknobs anymore. 12) I can stand up without assistance. 13) Hugs are less awkward. 14) No feet in my lungs.
So, earlier today I was napping (I thought lightly) but I had a strange mini dream in which I was trying to purchase a soda from a vending machine (uncharacteristic of my life as it is) and when I put my dollar in and pushed the button...instead of pop, a newborn baby fell out!
Lately I've been feeling pretty sloppy & overly preggo so my self-image has taken a nose dive. (It's hard to feel attractive when you can't bend at the waist or get off the couch unassisted.) Luckily, as I spent the weekend with Russ, the girls & my parents on an overnight trip out-of-town, I was given some motivation to try a little harder to make myself look good and to feel good about how I look. Mom bought me some new shirts and I actually blow dried my hair! Anyway, I'm posting one of the few photos I've gotten of me & Russ recently to remind myself that pregnancy hasn't totally eliminated my ability to look presentable & semi-attractive once in awhile.
Russ says he thinks I look beautiful all of the time, but I figure that he's probably biased or at least has good reason to lie. In any case, I'm lucky to have him.
This is my third pregnancy and I have to say before I begin this blog that I have it pretty good. All my pregnancy have been relatively easy and problem free with only minor discomfort through-out. I feel quite sorry for the women out there who really suffer to bring their children into this world.
With that said, this has been my most difficult pregnancy so far. I am currently at 23 weeks and it feels as if I am on an emotional roller coaster ride! I get so down some evenings and yet, were you to ask me what was wrong, I would honestly have to reply that there is nothing wrong and that I'm perfectly happy with life...but I'm not cheerful. The next day I'll be energetic & downright pleasant! It feels weird to be inside this range of emotions because even while my body feels them, my mind is not engaged in the negative emotions since it has nothing negative to attach to them. This is how I know that they must be hormone related. Besides the emotional consequences of these hormonal fluctuations I also have been experiencing a lot more physical discomfort. It is usually while I am in downward swing emotionally that I have the most pain & yuckiness of physical feelings as well--headaches, stomach discomfort, nausea, & acid reflux.
Before my ultrasound I figured that my symptoms were stronger perhaps because I was having a boy instead of another girl but this theory has since been thrown out. This child is also the most active in utero. I remember noticing a lot of active movement with the other two at night when I was settling in for bed but this little nugget is busy ALL the time. I can be busy thinking and working mid-day and the distractions are not enough to keep me from noticing all the flip-flopping going on in there. I don't remember feeling the movement this strongly this early with the others either but maybe that's just a memory loss problem. I certainly forget sometimes how far along I really am since we waited so much longer this time to tell everyone then we did with Eden & Jasmine.
Anyway, between the emotions, the physical discomfort & general exhaustion, my mental state has been much more chaotic then I feel it should be and, as a result, I think my husband is starting to wonder what to do about me. He thinks I depend on him too much. Maybe I do, but from my perspective, to try to depend on anyone else just means MORE stress for me and that is exactly what I'm attempting to minimize.
The solution that I came up with today (which I suppose was painfully obvious) was that I need to spend more of my time depending on God to keep me encouraged and not on people or circumstances. I certainly have been more lax in this than I'd like to admit but it seems that He has spent the last couple of days subtly reminding me to depend on Him. As Chuck Missler often says, "God finds a new way every day to ask us, 'Do you trust Me?'" And I certainly have noticed this question popping up a lot lately in many varying ways.
This cartoon depicts how I've been feeling lately. It seems that I drop anything that dares to make its way into my hands and my brain has completely turned to mush. I was always pretty skeptical about the whole "pregnancy brain" thing. But this pregnancy has made me a believer. I can't seem to focus, and I often forget what I was doing in the middle of it. Add to the mix the extra klutziness, extra fatigue, intense hormonal fluctuations & two small demanding children and I am a crazy mess a lot of the time!
At Wal-Mart the other day I was shopping in preparation for Eden's upcoming birthday for which she insists I make her a root beer float cake. (something she seems to have made up out of no where but which, in fact, does actually exist!) At any rate I was in the beverage aisle picking out a 2 L bottle of root beer when an avalanche happened...down , down, down came bottles of root beer toward my head! I caught the first two but the third one crashed & exploded all over! My right foot got soaked, my forehead was soaked, the floor on the other side of my cart was soak, the racks were soaked. Somehow the mess had jumped OVER my children and they only got sprinkled on. The only thing in my cart that got root beer on it was, of course, the new white bra I was going to buy to accommodate my ever growing bust! An associate had heard the explosion & quickly came around the corner to find a shocked, wet pregnant woman precariously grasping two large bottles of A&W root beer. He went to find someone to clean up the mess & then returned to make sure I was really okay. Once I recovered from the initial shock of it all I put down the bottles I was holding, checked to see what all got wet, & move my cart & child passengers out of the way. I wiped my head & my hands off best I could and then took another look around. The associate & I were shocked to discover that although it was clear (due to the splay of sticky, brown soda all over the place) that a bottle had indeed exploded--there was absolutely no sign of the bottle itself, anywhere! It was at this point that I took my leave & left the mess to someone more equipped to handle it. I sloshed & squished my way through the store and headed home, watching the road through my root beer splattered sunglasses, hoping & praying that this really is just a phase & I will get my bearings, my brain, & my emotions back again soon.
**I really would be curious to know where they end up finding that bottle.**
So as some of you know and some of you do not...I am pregnant with my third due in September. I had my ultrasound today and found out that we're having another little girl. There was some mild disappointment in our midst at first but it just couldn't hang on too long when thinking of another sweet little girl being added to our family! Here is the peak we got to bring home with us...enjoy.
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