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I love Jesus. I love my family. I love photography. I love books. I love thinking. Probably in that order. I have a wonderful husband, five beautiful daughters, a house, and a camera. I enjoy spending time talking to my husband, playing with my girls, redecorating my house and shooting things with my camera. In my spare time, I sleep.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Loss...

I am having kind of a hard week emotionally.  I'm sure that the stresses of the holiday season, homeschooling, bathroom remodel drama and hormones are all contributing,  but the truth is that I'm still mourning the baby that I lost.

This Friday would have marked my 20th week--the half way point of pregnancy.  But instead of joyfully announcing the gender of my child, I am dealing with my monthly reminder that I am no longer growing that baby inside of me.

I wish I could go back to 'before' when I didn't know first-hand how fragile life can be.  Back when the thought of getting pregnant was just exciting and not both something I crave and fear at the same time.

I don't know why this week has been harder than the others.  Maybe it's something about how the holidays bring out a sentimental side.  Maybe it's all the reminders that I'm not pregnant.  Maybe it's all the pregnant women and talk of babies that seems to be happening lately.  Maybe I can chock it up to the "that time of the month" hormones.  I don't know.  But what I do know is that I'm sad.  And that even though I realize how unbelievably blessed I am and that when I compare my lot in life with those of others...I feel as though I have no room to complain--I still feel the pain of loss and I still have so many bittersweet moments when I miss what should have been.

No one wants to talk about it...and I don't suppose I really want to either.  But at the same time I don't want to pretend like it never happened and that I don't still think about it on a daily basis.  Russ knows that I still struggle...but even to him I only hint at the reason 'cause I can't bring myself to actually say the words.

Life may be back to "normal" but my heart will never quite be the same. 

3 comments:

Anita Johnson said...

I appreciate your honesty...your loss was real and not at all the way you expected a pregnancy to end. This month marks the 15 anniversary of the passing of our one month old nephew...and last week, on the day we welcomed our first grandchild, friends from our church buried their granddaughter who never took a breath as she entered the world. Our hearts will never be the same either. Praying that God will fill you with His peace this Christmas.

fullofgracex7 said...

MY heArt aches for you. It is hard to reach these mIlestones in such a different way than before. Peace be with you during this beautiful time of year

Cle Reveries said...

You might be my daughter, my dear, I can only say: "I believe that in Paradise there is one more Angel that is watching you!"
I wish you all the love and ...more, more and more you desire!
You deserve that!
Love
Cle
(your foreign aged(?) friend from Italy)