"I will search for the one my heart loves"

^" All night long on my bed
       I looked for the one my heart loves;
       I looked for him but did not find him.   
I will get up now and go about the city,
       through its streets and squares;
       I will search for the one my heart loves.
       So I looked for him but did not find him.
  The watchmen found me
       as they made their rounds in the city.
       "Have you seen the one my heart loves?""
Song of Solomon 3:1-3

Russ & I are what I like to call "intellectual Christians."  And all I mean by that is that we thrive on teaching, on the details of scripture.   We like analyzing the possible layers of meaning in a passage.  We enjoy learning the history behind the stories, the meaning in the Greek, and seeing the archeological evidence.  Our type of teaching is that of men like Chuck Missler & Ravi Zacharias.  This is the aspect of Christianity that we have thrived in over the past few years and are comfortable with.  Recently, I have spent a lot of Sundays visiting my family and attending services with them, and God has been showing me more of the absolute beauty of worshiping in song & prayer and I have begun to long for more than what I have.  I have come to long to experience God more.

Here is where I may lose some of you...but I shall boldly plunge ahead.  On Easter Sunday while attending service with my parents, sister & brother's family, I felt like God gave me an analogy to help me see more clearly my current relationship with him.  He reminded me that I am his spotless bride & he is my bridegroom.  He reminded me of all the years we've shared together & all the ways he has provided for me in the past.  I reflected on how He knows everything about me...and how much I know Him.  Not only do I know about Him but I also believe that in a very real way I understand His heart.  However...He longs for more intimacy.  Just as in a earthly husband-wife relationship the woman often tends to talk more than she listens...I tend to talk to God without waiting to hear what He wants to say to me.  And just like in an earthly husband-wife relationship, our Heavenly Husband longs for us to experience Oneness with Him.  He longs for intimacy...and as the wife, we/I often dismiss this as an unrealistic expectation or as a secondary priority.  It is good for me to want to know Him...to learn his history, his hopes, his plans...it is good for me to rely on him to provide for me & to comfort me.  But it is also important for us to be intimate, and I feel as though God & I have been distant for some time.  I want to experience God...not just know all about him.  What kind of relationship would Russ & I have if I did all the talking (mostly requesting his help with stuff) but never let him pour his heart out to me?  What kind of marriage would it be if we never were intimate.  Sexual intimacy is what leads to the bearing of physical fruit (children).  So, I suspect that Spiritual intimacy with God is what leads to the bearing of spiritual fruit...and, boy, do I long to produce more of that!

Now that I have a better idea of what I want, the problem is that I still have little idea of how to cultivate this kind of relationship.  Russ & I have talked about it and we are trying to take steps in a new direction but it is a very slow process.  This is the prayer of my heart...and though my heart is willing...my flesh is oh, so weak!  So please pray with us as we are paving a new path to intimacy with our God.

"How handsome you are, my lover!
       Oh, how charming!
       And our bed is verdant."

Song of Solomon 1:16