I haven't blogged much lately...and if I'm really honest it is because I couldn't think of anything positive to write. I feel like lately all I've been is one large, ugly, lazy, useless, sloppy lump of negativity. I suppose the reason I have been hesitant to write about it has been because, first of all, I am not proud of it. Secondly, because I don't want people to misunderstand and blow my negative rantings out of proportion (I really do know & believe that I am SUPER blessed and am quite happy with my life.) Thirdly, I'm not comfortable with people seeing my 'darker' & more emotional side. But since I am currently close enough to these emotions to still see them but finally distant enough not to be submerged in them I figured tonight was a good time to write about them and perhaps find some perspective.
I am a complainer. I have known this for some time and believe that this aspect of myself is not compatible with who I am in Christ. It is an aspect of my flesh that I have become very comfortable with. Complaining comes so naturally for me that I don't even realize that I'm doing it most of the time. Recently on a drive home I was chatting with Russ. From my perspective I was just being conversational so it felt like kind of a slap in the face when Russ asked me if I had anything to say that wasn't negative or complainy. I was quiet for the next ten minutes because I couldn't think of a single thing to say.
I also tend to have a problem with making excuses.
The problem lately is that with this pregnancy I seem to have a lot to complain about & a lot of excuses that are pretty legitamite. But I know that this does not make my complaining or excuses any more excuseable. I want to have a cheerful, thankful heart. It is pretty clear from my experience and from Scripture that a negative attitude & thoughts just makes a person feel worse & does nothing but harm while a positive outlook is energizing & healing. ("A wise man's heart guides his mouth, and his lips promote instruction. Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones." Proverbs 16:23-24) ("A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." Proverbs 17:22) I want to be honest about how I am doing while still maintaining a cheerful spirit and not succombing to a negative self-destructive complaining attitude. I just don't know how.
I guess that is not entirely true...I know that there are certainly some changes I could make that would help. I need to spend more time thinking about the love, grace & blessings that my heavenly Father has lavished upon me & less time thinking about how I feel. I could spend more time in the Word & less time online. I could spend more time thinking about things I could do to make other people (especially my family) more cheerful, pleasant & feel more loved and less time worrying about myself & what they could be doing for me.
There was once a time in my life when I was much closer to who I wanted to be as a daughter of the King. I was by no means flawless but I was closer in my attitude. I feel like my attitude is like a dirty window--Slowly over time the dirt of negativity has built up and started blocking out the light and it happened so slowly that I didn't even notice ("It's a slow fade...") but now it needs a good scrubbing so that the light can shine in. And I know that when it does, the whole house will seem cleaner & brighter.
***Dear Lord...please help me wash my window so your Light can shine through me again. I am so used to the dirt, God, that I'm afraid that the light might hurt my eyes a little but I am anxious to be able to see my blessings clearly again. Thank you for your patience. Amen.***