- I love Jesus. I love my family. I love photography. I love books. I love thinking. Probably in that order. I have a wonderful husband, five beautiful daughters, a house, and a camera. I enjoy spending time talking to my husband, playing with my girls, redecorating my house and shooting things with my camera. In my spare time, I sleep.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
In need of respite
I need a break. I love being a stay-at-home mom. I feel privileged to have the ability & resources to be able to not have an outside job and spend this precious time with my offspring...but being a wife/mother is a full-time job and not like those fake "40 hrs a week" full-time jobs but an honest to goodness 24/7 job that I don't get compensated for (at least not in a financial sense.) And the thing is..that even though I like it...I sometimes just need a break. But it seems that a break never comes. Lately it seems like Russ has been working more hours than usual extending my 'full attention' time with the kids; the weather has kept me home-bound; and I just don't feel comfortable calling anyone in my town for help. So...here I am getting more crazy by the hour--longing for a couple hours to call my own. Goodness--I can't even say when the last time I felt truly relaxed was. It's hard to feel relaxed in a house where I can't even go to the toilet without either an audience or a constant barrage of knocking on the bathroom door! Everytime I take a bath...Jasmine wants to climb in with me. (If I didn't strip her down & let her join me I'd probably end up with a fully dressed toddler in the tub!) I can't EVER fully finish a task because every five minutes there is someone yanking on my pants saying, "I want more juice." or "vitamin?" or "Can you get something for me?" And when they aren't pulling on my chair or yelling from the bathroom for me to come wipe them...they are usually vacillating from having too much fun making a huge mess they will refuse to clean up later to fighting over who gets to play with the princess ball. Since Eden quit taking naps several months ago, I don't even get to look forward to a brief intermission in the afternoon. The chaos continues from before I can lift my eyelids in the morning until I hide in the fetal position under my covers at night. Russ tries to help, bless his heart, but he thinks like a man. And it seems, more often than not, that he doesn't understand what would truly be helpful to me. He is often amazed at how much I can can accomplish in one day but there are other days when I accomplish nothing...and oftentimes when he comes home to an untidy home...he'll get in a cleaning fit and do it all for me. I hate this. Call me crazy if you want but I don't want him to do my housework. I need the housework sometimes as sanity control for the next day. And what I would really like from him is for him to quit whatever he is doing and spend time with me. Even if we end up doing NOTHING except sitting together on the couch watching the girls jump off their beanbag chair..that's what I feel would help me most. I need some down time with the man I love. I need to talk...even if it's about some dumb story I read on the internet or the lint ball I pulled out of the drain...I just need to have his full attention and talk to another adult. Of course...this usually backfires because inevitably the "being interrupted every 5 minutes by a child rule" kicks in and ends up causing more tension than it releases for me...so I don't know what to do, I guess. I just am really feeling a need for a break. I break that includes my husband would be most welcome but a break with just me would probably do me some good, as well. Back in my college days I used to actually think about things; ponder the deeper things in life. I used to feel really connected to God. Now...well things have changed. I can't say I don't feel connected to God, because I do, and I learn so many things about how he must see us as I deal with my children on a daily basis. But it's different. God & I haven't had as much time one on one-- Creator to created to work out the details of who He created me to be. I can see Him working in my life but I miss the deeper significance I used to find in my progress. Life has just gotten so full of little nothings that I can't seem to quiet my soul long enough to really listen. I need a break...I need a respite...I need a chance to listen to silence. That's a sound I haven't heard in a long time. *sigh* Silence....where are you?