In need of respite

I need a break. I love being a stay-at-home mom. I feel privileged to have the ability & resources to be able to not have an outside job and spend this precious time with my offspring...but being a wife/mother is a full-time job and not like those fake "40 hrs a week" full-time jobs but an honest to goodness 24/7 job that I don't get compensated for (at least not in a financial sense.) And the thing is..that even though I like it...I sometimes just need a break. But it seems that a break never comes. Lately it seems like Russ has been working more hours than usual extending my 'full attention' time with the kids; the weather has kept me home-bound; and I just don't feel comfortable calling anyone in my town for help. So...here I am getting more crazy by the hour--longing for a couple hours to call my own. Goodness--I can't even say when the last time I felt truly relaxed was. It's hard to feel relaxed in a house where I can't even go to the toilet without either an audience or a constant barrage of knocking on the bathroom door! Everytime I take a bath...Jasmine wants to climb in with me. (If I didn't strip her down & let her join me I'd probably end up with a fully dressed toddler in the tub!) I can't EVER fully finish a task because every five minutes there is someone yanking on my pants saying, "I want more juice." or "vitamin?" or "Can you get something for me?" And when they aren't pulling on my chair or yelling from the bathroom for me to come wipe them...they are usually vacillating from having too much fun making a huge mess they will refuse to clean up later to fighting over who gets to play with the princess ball. Since Eden quit taking naps several months ago, I don't even get to look forward to a brief intermission in the afternoon. The chaos continues from before I can lift my eyelids in the morning until I hide in the fetal position under my covers at night. Russ tries to help, bless his heart, but he thinks like a man. And it seems, more often than not, that he doesn't understand what would truly be helpful to me. He is often amazed at how much I can can accomplish in one day but there are other days when I accomplish nothing...and oftentimes when he comes home to an untidy home...he'll get in a cleaning fit and do it all for me. I hate this. Call me crazy if you want but I don't want him to do my housework. I need the housework sometimes as sanity control for the next day. And what I would really like from him is for him to quit whatever he is doing and spend time with me. Even if we end up doing NOTHING except sitting together on the couch watching the girls jump off their beanbag chair..that's what I feel would help me most. I need some down time with the man I love. I need to talk...even if it's about some dumb story I read on the internet or the lint ball I pulled out of the drain...I just need to have his full attention and talk to another adult. Of course...this usually backfires because inevitably the "being interrupted every 5 minutes by a child rule" kicks in and ends up causing more tension than it releases for me...so I don't know what to do, I guess. I just am really feeling a need for a break. I break that includes my husband would be most welcome but a break with just me would probably do me some good, as well. Back in my college days I used to actually think about things; ponder the deeper things in life. I used to feel really connected to God. Now...well things have changed. I can't say I don't feel connected to God, because I do, and I learn so many things about how he must see us as I deal with my children on a daily basis. But it's different. God & I haven't had as much time one on one-- Creator to created to work out the details of who He created me to be. I can see Him working in my life but I miss the deeper significance I used to find in my progress. Life has just gotten so full of little nothings that I can't seem to quiet my soul long enough to really listen. I need a break...I need a respite...I need a chance to listen to silence. That's a sound I haven't heard in a long time. *sigh* Silence....where are you?

Book ending dissatisfaction

I've been reading quite a bit this year. Since the first of January I've read seven books. (My list is on the side bar toward the bottom here.) I've been sticking mostly with light fiction ...although by 'light' I don't necessarily mean drama free. Already a couple of the books I've read have involved murders & cover-ups & whatnot..it's just that they hinge more on the everyday lives of the characters than on the drama. Over half are what would be considered "christian fiction". They are very enjoyable books to read but something I've noticed over the course of the last year in my experiences with this kind of fiction book (this lighter more narrative fiction as opposed to the Crichton & Grishom's that I used to read in my high school days) is that the endings always seem to be weak. The books themselves can be excellent captivating page turners and then it always feels like they just sort of end. Like somehow they just don't leave me totally satisfied when they're finished. I'm not sure if this is just a perception thing (like a phase I'm going through) or if it seriously is a weakness of the books I'm reading. Like I said, I don't remember this feeling occurring with the thrillers I read in high school and I don't recall experiencing this with any of the classics I read in college. It's just a recent phenomena but since my choice in books has changed I assume that perhaps it's just the genre. Anybody else have any thoughts on this?

Eden's latest favorite movie

Eden is a big movie fan. I probably shouldn't let her watch as much as I do but... So being the repetitive age that she is, she'll pick a movie and watch it over & over for weeks until she picks a new favorite. Her current favorite movie is the first "favorite" that is not animated-- 'The Sandlot'.


A couple weeks ago while Russ was working late I convinced Eden to watch this movie with me instead of one of her cartoons. She was not eager to watch it but I coaxed her into with my mommy enthusiasm..."This is such a fun movie! You're just going to love it! It's about kids & a big dog!" Little did I know just how MUCH she was going to love it. She has asked to watch it nearly everyday since then. I haven't LET her watch it everyday but nonetheless she's seen it PLENTY of times since then. Even Jasmine knows the Sandlot. Tonight Russ told Eden she could watch it but he couldn't see it on the shelf so Jasmine pointed right to it and said, "Sandlot."

I think it's a pretty good movie. My family always enjoyed watching it during my teen years. It's just an classic, nostalgic 'back in the good ol' days when we were kids' kind of a movie. But I wouldn't have guessed that my three year old would find it so entertaining! She loves Benny (who didn't?) and never fails to tell me so when she's watching it. And during the chase scene she loves to 'predict' how the dog is going to eat Benny's shirt. Anyway, if you haven't seen it in awhile (or haven't seen it at all) perhaps tonight should be the night. It comes highly recommended! Heck--I'd be willing to let you borrow ours....really...come...borrow...it...please? Although you might have to pickle the beast!

"There are heroes and there are legends. Heroes get remembered but legends never die. Follow your heart kid and you'll never go wrong."

Tasting the rainbow

So lately Jasmine has been going through what I call her Pica stage of munching on whatever she fancies. For example the other day I bought a new DVD where the plastic case was slid into an outer cardboard case. I hadn't even opened it yet (it was still in its cellophane wrapper) when I discovered that Jasmine had torn the wrapper & chewed off the corner of the box. Needless to say I wasn't very happy. Next day she threw a fit because she had chewed the corner off a box I was sending to my sister-in-law and I wouldn't let her move on to the rest of the box! Anyway--the kicker was the other day when I went to change her not-so-savory diaper and discovered a colorful array of crayon shavings...it looked like she tasted the rainbow! Oh, what am I going to do with her?

Poem: "Melancholy Moments"

One minute Writer & my mood this evening have inspired me to write a poem. Take it or leave it...it is what it is.

Melancholy Moments

Some days are filled with sadness
while others are filled with gladness.
But in those times between those two emotions
Lies life and all our complicated notions
of what it means to be human, what it means to be happy, and what it means to feel down.

It is within these times when melancholy moments rise
to show us that sometimes there is joy in the very act of being sad
and that sometimes our greatest insights are conceived
in those strange occasions of taking pleasure in our gloom.

Perhaps it is because, underneath it all,
in our hearts we understand how great our fall.
Maybe in melancholy moments it is best demonstrated
how our earthly souls were fated
to be redeemed.

We feel deeply and we feel conflicted
in our emotions and in our lives
because we know.

We know deep within ourselves
the truth of who we are and who we were meant to be.
We know that we are self-condemned prisoners
who were born to be free.
Our melancholy moments are an emotional sign
proclaiming a longing for our Daddy Divine.

So let us rejoice in these melancholy moments;
Let us revel in the insights that they bring;
For often the blessing of darkness
is that it reveals the light of the King.

by Gina K.
1/17/09

Me & My Camera

A few photos of me & my cameras through the years. (I guess I don't have any of me with my camera during the high school years. Hard to do when all the pictures I have were taken with my camera.)

1984 (Actually, I don't know if I'm pretending to take a picture or if it just looks like it but either way I'm working on muscle memory, right?)


2001 (My 21st birthday)


2006 (Russ' Uncle's wedding)


2007 (My sister-in-law's college graduation)


2008 (Eden's 3rd birthday)

It's Thursday Thunks Time

Another Thursday Thunks to get me back in the blog.

1. Are you a celebrity news junkie?

I occasionally click on the MSN celebrity news links and I enjoy scanning the magazine headlines whenever I'm waiting in the check out line at Walmart but I wouldn't call myself a junkie. I just don't care that much.

2. Have you or anyone in your family ever had braces?

I have never had braces. My sister did. My husband did. I had many forms of retainers but my parents decided that they didn't feel braces were worth the money for me.

3. Name 4 things in your garage that you don't think anyone else has in theirs.

Hmm..I don't think there is anything unusual and ungaragy in my garage. But I'd be happy to list 4 things I have in my garage as common as they may be. Probably the most uncommon thing in my garage at the moment is a kitchen's worth of brand new unfinished oak cabinets. (Maybe before long they'll end up in the kitchen where they belong.) I have two large strollers & a car seat in my garage. I have a large inflateable boat in my garage that my husband found in a ditch last summer and brought home. And I have a unused water softener in my garage.

4. Do you order Girl Scout cookies?

I ordered some once four years ago from a neighbor girl. So I guess the answer would be--not unless guilted into it.

5. If you have a cat or a dog, what brand of dog/cat food do you feed them?

Usually whatever is cheapest. (I don't love my cat that much, I guess.)

6. When you cook, do you use measuring cups/spoons?

Yep...I'm a measurer.

7. If you were stranded on a desert island, how many sand castles would you build?

Seven.

8. Whats one thing you own too many of?

VHS tapes

9. If given the chance to go to the moon, would you?

I'd like to think I would but I'm guessing that my claustrophobia and fear of extraterrestrial travel would keep me firmly on earth.

10. Talk radio - listen or not?

A little...mostly Christian.

11. When you put silverware in the dishwasher or in the drainer to dry, do you put the handles up or down?

I put the handles down but my husband puts them up. Makes for a lack of continuity.

12. Video Games for kids - good or not?

Both...It depends.

13. Share a website with us.

www.bookmooch.com It allows you to give away books you don't want and recieve books you do. The only cost is the price of shipping the unwanted books to someone who wants them. I love it!

14. Water - bottle or tap?

I already answered this question on a previous Thursday Thunks...See my answer here.

15. Have you ever eaten a giant jawbreaker, the ones that are the size of the palm of your hand, all the way to the end?

No, I have not.