I have been in kind of a funk this week. I had been so busy the last couple weeks and when Monday came I was free and yet instead of embracing this brief interim I allowed it to stagnate. And I hate that!
The funk was born out of disappointment. My brother invited us to join his family on their vacation to Orlando in August. Russ was up for it and I got all excited at the prospect of a real vacation with my family to a place near a beach! Then Monday I began doing the research and quickly came to the realization that even with my brother covering some of the expenses--a trip to Orlando significantly exceeded our budget and we would have to turn down his generous and fun offer. It was a huge let down. I have inside of me an insatiable desire to travel and to photograph things that cannot be found in western Nebraska. But travel is a luxury that practicality hasn't allowed me to indulge in with the exception of my honeymoon.
It was within that initial disappointment that I allowed negativity to get an upper hand and begin to grow other feelings in me. I used my sister's recent engagement as a catalyst for self-pity. While she & my mom were discussing wedding dates & dresses, I was sitting at home just waiting for an email or phone call updating me on the plans. And when I didn't hear from anyone, I felt left-out and ignored. In the midst of my brother's vacation plans & my sister's wedding plans...I allowed myself to wallow in unhealthy selfish feelings of discontent, loneliness, and self-pity. I'm not proud of it...but it is what it is. I said things like, "I wish I wasn't so practical." "I hate doing the same stupid things over & over with no end." (like laundry & dishes) "I feel gray. Just blending in & boring." "Nobody is interested in me right now...including myself." I was mourning unfilled dreams & aspirations and I was feeling left-out & unneeded while at the same time (paradoxically) feeling uninspired & used.
The whole time I'm feeling this way I am frustrated with myself for such pathetic self-centered-ness on my part. I
know I am blessed. I
know am loved. I
know I have worth. I
know that the present is not a good indication of what the future may be. I
know that if God closes a door...it is for good reason and that I can trust in His perfect timing & His perfect plan for my life. My joy is not dependent on what I have or don't have; what someone else says or doesn't say. But in those moments I choose to let those lying feelings dominate me and I push aside (and yet still acknowledge) those truths that I
know. I choose to focus on me and my disappointments and hurts instead of creating ways to edify those I love in their journeys.
I have discovered that disappointment has always served as an opening in my life for the enemy to get a foothold. I acknowledge this here publicly now as a way to stop this pattern in the future. Last night I started reading Max Lucado's book, "
Traveling Light: Releasing the burdens you were never intended to bear--
The Promise of Psalm 23" I got through the first four chapters and chapter 4 definately spoke to where I am this week. It addresses 'the burden of discontent" and he closed the chapters having us repeat to ourselves, "The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want."
"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want."
"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want."
As much as I hate visible vulnerability in myself. I am challenged to show you that side of myself. I do cry. I do hurt. I am selfish. I get disappointed. I have pity parties. I yell when I shouldn't. I say things I don't really mean. I am stupid sometimes. I have the wrong answers and there are a lot of things I don't know. But I am a child of the King and I am trying to be more others-focused without forgetting that I do matter and was created for a purpose. I just let myself slip from remembering God's perfect provision sometimes and just need reminded occasionally that "The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want."