Busy week

This week has been a busy one. Sunday afternoon Russ & I purchased a new set of living room furniture and this set off a chain of household work & change. In order to make a place for it we had to move our current furniture to the basement and the basement furniture to the garage. This led us to move our big tv downstairs and finally hook it up to Russ' surround sound system. I thought that since with this change we would be spending far more of our time downstairs and I wanted to get the baby's room 'computer free' before the birth, that we may as well move our main computer back downstairs as well. So Monday & Tuesday were long days getting everything re situated. Having new furniture also served as motivation for moving forward with some of our remodeling plans. Because of that I have spent the last few days also working on finally sanding & staining the unfinished oak cabinets that we purchased for our kitchen just over a year ago. It's been an exciting time. And its nice to have something to keep me busy and help the next two months go by quickly.

'Wedding Dress' by Derek Webb

Caedmon's Call was one of my favorite Christian groups when I was in college. Derek Webb (one of the lead singers) has since began a solo career and is still fabulous. This is one of my recent favorites.

My "I Am" Poem

Back at the end of May my sister posted an "I Am" poem that she wrote for one of her classes and several of my family members followed suit. I tried to write one at the time, following the format given here but I just couldn't seem to finish. However after writing my last post, I took another crack at it and this is what came of it...

I Am
by Gina K.C.

I am imperfect but sincere in my trying.
I wonder if God ever gets tired of waiting for me to listen to His voice.
I hear the echo of my thousands of flaws;
I see them falling at my feet, building a wall between me & Him.
I want to close my ears & eyes tight and just curl up in His Large Daddy Lap.
I am imperfect but sincere in my trying.

I pretend to be righteous but know it's a lie.
I feel the tugging of doubt on my sleeves.
I touch the eternal with gloves on my hands.
I worry that my treasures are dust but still
I cry out to Him.
I am imperfect but sincere in my trying.

I understand that life is full of mysteries.
I say "I will walk by faith."
I dream of a day when I am free from my fear.
I try to rest in His promises;
I hope I don't forget how.
I am imperfect but sincere in my trying.

My complaining spirit

I haven't blogged much lately...and if I'm really honest it is because I couldn't think of anything positive to write. I feel like lately all I've been is one large, ugly, lazy, useless, sloppy lump of negativity. I suppose the reason I have been hesitant to write about it has been because, first of all, I am not proud of it. Secondly, because I don't want people to misunderstand and blow my negative rantings out of proportion (I really do know & believe that I am SUPER blessed and am quite happy with my life.) Thirdly, I'm not comfortable with people seeing my 'darker' & more emotional side. But since I am currently close enough to these emotions to still see them but finally distant enough not to be submerged in them I figured tonight was a good time to write about them and perhaps find some perspective.

I am a complainer. I have known this for some time and believe that this aspect of myself is not compatible with who I am in Christ. It is an aspect of my flesh that I have become very comfortable with. Complaining comes so naturally for me that I don't even realize that I'm doing it most of the time. Recently on a drive home I was chatting with Russ. From my perspective I was just being conversational so it felt like kind of a slap in the face when Russ asked me if I had anything to say that wasn't negative or complainy. I was quiet for the next ten minutes because I couldn't think of a single thing to say.

I also tend to have a problem with making excuses.

The problem lately is that with this pregnancy I seem to have a lot to complain about & a lot of excuses that are pretty legitamite. But I know that this does not make my complaining or excuses any more excuseable. I want to have a cheerful, thankful heart. It is pretty clear from my experience and from Scripture that a negative attitude & thoughts just makes a person feel worse & does nothing but harm while a positive outlook is energizing & healing. ("A wise man's heart guides his mouth, and his lips promote instruction. Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones." Proverbs 16:23-24) ("A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." Proverbs 17:22) I want to be honest about how I am doing while still maintaining a cheerful spirit and not succombing to a negative self-destructive complaining attitude. I just don't know how.

I guess that is not entirely true...I know that there are certainly some changes I could make that would help. I need to spend more time thinking about the love, grace & blessings that my heavenly Father has lavished upon me & less time thinking about how I feel. I could spend more time in the Word & less time online. I could spend more time thinking about things I could do to make other people (especially my family) more cheerful, pleasant & feel more loved and less time worrying about myself & what they could be doing for me.

There was once a time in my life when I was much closer to who I wanted to be as a daughter of the King. I was by no means flawless but I was closer in my attitude. I feel like my attitude is like a dirty window--Slowly over time the dirt of negativity has built up and started blocking out the light and it happened so slowly that I didn't even notice ("It's a slow fade...") but now it needs a good scrubbing so that the light can shine in. And I know that when it does, the whole house will seem cleaner & brighter.

***Dear Lord...please help me wash my window so your Light can shine through me again. I am so used to the dirt, God, that I'm afraid that the light might hurt my eyes a little but I am anxious to be able to see my blessings clearly again. Thank you for your patience. Amen.***

Pretending...

"What are you doing?"

"We're pretending to pack to go to Meanma's."

"Oh...sure, that makes sense..."

Another good quote from Emerson

"This time, like all times, is a very good one, if we but know what to do with it."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Mommies don't get sick days

Today my husband is sick. He has been spending his time going back & forth between his pillow & the bathroom. And I feel bad for him. Being sick sucks. I have been doing what I can to keep the children from bothering him but there is a small part of me that feels the injustice of it all. That is the part of me that will be writing this blog...

Daddy is sick so he gets to spend the day catching up on his sleep & being isolated from the demands of needy, loud & rambunctious children but when Mommy is sick...she must press on. She has to wipe stinky butts & dispose of poopy diapers in spite of the nausea; she has to get up five times in 10 minutes to refill juice cups, clean up spills, reach the crackers, find the crayons & kiss the boo boos in spite of the dizziness; she has to endure the screams, the stomping, the high pitched giggles & the obnoxious repetition of "Puff the Magic Dragon" in spite of the headache. If (heaven forbid) Mommy has tummy problems that require business in the bathroom she has to take care of said business while either being watched by her miniature groupies, or while mustering enough energy to yell "stop fighting!" or "stay out of that" from her compromised position. My point is...Mommy never gets a sick day. Sometimes Mommy needs a sick day.

I complain a lot about how I feel. (Especially lately during this particular pregnancy) and I know that my excess of complaints has done me the disservice of not being taken seriously when I am truly under the weather. It seems like while I feel crappy quite often, I am never as sick as Russ is when he gets sick. I wonder if this is true or if I am just more trained (Mommy that I am) that nausea, headaches, & tummy aches are not 'get out of jail free cards'. I am still responsible for the general well being & safety of my family even when parts of my body are threatening to explode. I certainly do a much more haphazard & grumpy job of taking care of the house & children when I am sick, but I still have to do it. And sometimes it just doesn't seem fair that Daddy doesn't.

Maybe I need to take a personal day.

Oh wait....Mommies don't get those either! Dang!