Easter makes a person reflective...or at least I think it should. The Creator of the universe became like one of the created things to be humiliated, abused & killed so that he could demonstrate His love for us and demonstrate the power He has over death. And most of the time I'm just over here complaining about how annoying ads are.
God's been doing some big things in my life the last couple years...rearranging my life & my heart--showing me the depth of my sin and giving me so many opportunities to be more like Him. To love sacrificially, to endure humiliation with grace, to forgive. So this holy week as I reflected on the cross, I felt it all a little deeper as I've fought God on some of the elements of my soul remodel.
This past month He has been prompting me to offer my forgiveness to someone and to offer them His love. And I have resisted....because I'm fleshly and human and I didn't want to. God would prompt me and I would resist. I didn't even want to acknowledge what I felt the Spirit was asking me to consider and it caused so mush spiritual turmoil within me. I felt a bit like Jonah...trying to run from God's call and being tossed by the violent sea. 'Maybe it's not really God?' 'What if this person reacts badly?' 'Seems unwise to go to Ninevah...right? I would advise against it.' But the calling was still there and it began feeling more urgent by the day. And like Jonah...maybe deep down my resistance was because I knew that the point of this message is to draw this person to repentance and I am a little bitter at the thought of their salvation?
But, at the same time, I know the power of Christ and I desire to see good come from all the bad. I want to see redemption come. I want God to redeem all aspects of my hurt. And I worry about the consequences of ignoring this call and finding I've waited too long to obey.
So after weeks of the flesh & the spirit warring within me...I let the Spirit arise strong within me and I offered forgiveness and Christ's love to this person who wronged me. And the result? Rejection. Denial. Blocked. And my initial reaction was relief. And I said out loud to myself, “Welp, It's done. It's over. I did what I had to do and now it's finished.”
Later, I remembered the Easter story...and how Jesus uttered similar words on the cross before He died. “It is finished.” And I wondered to myself, what did Jesus really mean by that? Because...I'm guessing His “it is finished' didn't have the same undertone as mine. When I uttered those words it was...'whew! I did my part, I can wash my hands of this person's soul now.' but while I'm sure there was a breath of relief in Jesus' words as he reached the culmination of a plan as old as time itself...I know it wasn't because His part was over. And just like my offer of forgiveness was rejected and was met with denial that they had done any wrong...so do millions of people treat Jesus' sacrifice. Jesus died and offered propitiation for ALL. And while He's not going to force anyone to accept it, I know His heart is longing for theirs.
And if His heart longs for theirs; if He is was willing to be humiliated; if He loves those who abused Him, rejected Him and denied Him—well, then I am meant to follow that example.
When it comes to my personal situation...I did what God asked and that part is finished. I can move on with my own healing knowing I did what I was called by the Spirit to do. But I cannot harden myself to the heart of God for this person. His heart is for them to be saved and therefore that must be my heart for them as well. I may never have another interaction with this person ever again...but in my soul I can release all bitterness and pray for their salvation. I can choose to not be like Jonah whose story ended in anger & frustration at God's mercy for the evil-doers of Ninevah.
The spirit indeed is willing but OH how the flesh is weak...so, so weak. I've seen God work BIG. I've watched God answer some of my “impossible” prayers. And I've seen repentance happen in hardened hearts & miracles happen as a result. But..I've also seen how weak my flesh can be. I've watched my heart fail so many times. I've gone from pouting Jonah to Pentecost Peter and back again more times than I'd like to admit. I know well the battle described in Romans 7. “I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!”
I sometimes wish I could end the battle. Say I'm done and be done. But to end the war means giving in to the law of sin. I cannot let the eyes of my heart be clouded by the wisdom of the world.
I don't know what is going on behind the scenes. Jesus let the world believe it had won. Jesus let them mock Him for not saving Himself off that cross. And though He was oppressed & afflicted He did not open His mouth to defend Himself. Because He saw a bigger battle. He had a bigger spiritual law on His mind. “It is finished.” It has been paid in full. He endured it all for something bigger. He did it for me. He did it for them. He did it for you.
So I will too. I will keep waging the war within. For HIM.
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