Sorrow for Lane

I don't know what to write.

But the need to write has been pressing on me...I can feel it in my heart, my mind, my soul.   

I know that putting words down has always been a type of therapy for me when my emotions are more than what my mind can process.  Writing slows everything down and helps me reach a point of clarity and coalescence that I cannot find in the simple day-to-day expressions of living.

Over a week has gone by and I have not yet felt like the words would come...  They aren't coming.

But here I sit in front of a blank page...just hoping that this simple act will help me find words.

Healing words;  words that can help make sense of the senseless;  words that bring some meaning to the loss;  words that can put order back...  

But what is there to say?

Loss in any form is painful.  Loss in this way is chaos.  It's like sympathy & anger are holding hands.  Grief & despondency are pulling my arms in opposite directions.  I cannot think of my aunt & uncle without feeling a tug of both horror at what they're going through & relief that it's not that bad for me.  And then of course..guilt at how little this affects my life and pain at the changes this does bring to the cadences of our family. 

Questions hide in my subconscious...all the whys.  But I think I'm afraid to let them peek around the curtain that I've hung in my mind to conceal them--not because they are unanswerable but rather because maybe they are and I won't like the thoughts that those answers will bring with them.    

Tomorrow I will come face to face with those suffering most.   What can I possibly say to them when I don't even have words for myself?   

I'm afraid this is one of those times in which clarity will never come.  Our hearts forever will feel the sting of this unexpected, unwelcome, unfair loss.   This world (tainted, neigh drenched, in sin, as it is) is always going to be bombarding our hearts with senselessness, violence, injustice & darkness that cannot be made okay with anything it has to offer.  I'm so grateful that my family knows the One outside the world who weeps with us and for us and has promised redemption to us from all this darkness & brokenness that the world has subjected us to---the Rock, the Redeemer, the Bread of Life; Light of the world, God with us, Wonderful Counselor, Prince of Peace--because He is the only one who can make good grow from this sorrow.

"Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.  For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to anyone."  Lamentations 3:32-33