Who I want to be like when I grow up...

 

I'm one of the lucky ones.  I knew Veda Raben.  If you happen to be one of those people, too, you know what I mean. 

But I'm not only someone who knew her.  I was one of the privileged few to call her family.  But even more than just being one of the thirteen people to call her 'Grandma'...I got to live right next door!  I was one of the lucky privileged few to spend my entire childhood by her side...

I have so many good memories of time with her...dancing around the living room to "Shake Your Sillies Out";  sitting in her echo-y stairwell with the phone cord stretching across the whole house to listen to the weekly library call-in story; taking the tiny little Tupperware bucket with it's little wire handle that she had filled with raisins and sitting quietly in the dark in the wardrobe on her back porch;  hiking with my cousins at Toadstool park; watching her tell flannel board stories in Sunday School;  rolling out butter horn rolls in a warm kitchen on a Formica table;  walking through the wheat field with scissors clipping stalks and then taking them home and turning them into beautiful wreaths & crosses & hearts;  eating fish she fried that we'd caught ourselves that afternoon;  sitting at her sewing machine as she taught me the basics of the craft for 4-H.

I took walks to the pond, walks to the windmill, and walks to the chicken coop to gather eggs.  I helped butcher chickens, brand cows and snap green beans,  All with Grandma by my side.  

I went with her to craft shows to "help" as she sold her wheat weaving creations and this is where I remember asking her a million questions about her family and childhood.  She would share but I got the impression she left out the worst bits.  She never had much to say about her dad.  I always imagined it was because she believed in the adage,  "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."   She left home when she was still a teenager and started working hard and serving others.  And I'd say she never really stopped until the very end.   She was born at the start of the Great Depression and she learned early on not to be wasteful.  I remember, as a teen, watching her put a single tablespoon of mashed potatoes back in the fridge to eat later.

I imagine she had a rough start in life but that's the thing that amazes me most  about her--her greatest beauty came from her kind, positive outlook.  She didn't let the hard parts define her.  She worked her fingers to the bone--serving her husband, her kids, her church...all with an admirable grace.  She served the Ladies Auxiliary, the Veterans, the Gideons, the schools, the library, the missionaries & evangelists.  She cooked and cleaned and gardened and raked.  She served so many people with her food over the years and yet wouldn't eat a bite until everyone else was taken care of.  And that included children, too!  Maybe sometimes children most of all.  I remember many Christmases where she would forsake her own hot meal to make sure one of her grandchildren had another cup of juice.

She treated all kids with special care and respect.  Her bag was filled with shoestrings, beads & magnets every Sunday.  Any child entering her home was welcomed like a special guest and she would pull activities and toys and trinkets and crafts from the nooks & crannies and create a magical experience in minutes.  But the things that really made it so magical was her.  She didn't drag out toys and leave us to play.  No!  She sat along side us and helped our stubby fingers string those beads;  she'd sit at the table and pour the vanilla milk out of the ceramic cow with us.  She'd sit on the floor and take us on a "tiger hunt" or do one of her many finger plays with us.   She engaged!  She was present!  She was gentle but firm.  She didn't put up with disobedience or shenanigans.  If you messed around, she would plop you on the couch for a nap. 

She was special.  She was selfless, kind and full of love.  She spoke words of affirmation & understanding.  She rarely complained...a trait I came to admire & appreciate more & more as I've aged.  While my first instinct is always to complain--even in her suffering she would look to the positive.  When given the chance to lament some hardship or other in her life, she would use the opportunity to reflect on the good instead.  She was never the squeaky wheel --but always the grease!

She was a balm to the weary soul.  She was the umbrella on a rainy day.  She was a light in my life and many others'.  Her mix of practical, down-to-earth thinking, her determined work ethic, and her positive gentle spirit is exactly what the world needs more of.

I am one of the lucky ones.  I am one of the privileged ones.  I may not be the most special girl in the world but she sure made me feel that way.  And I want to be like her when I grow up.

I will miss her so much.  But, boy, am I happy for her!  If there is anyone who deserves to rest in the arms of Jesus, it's her.

More birthday musings...

     How the heck am I forty-three?  Seriously.  Every time I go to say it, even, my internal autocorrect changes it to thirty-four before it spits it out of my mouth.  It doesn't really seem like that long ago that I was the skinny cowlicked child with the bad haircut spending my days running around our farm with my brother getting barn straw all over my clothes and the evenings lounging around on the couch with my nose in a book;  my mom frying up some porkchops & making mashed potatoes while Wheel of Fortune played on the tv in the background.

    I was so innocent, naïve and full of dreams back then.  Then time ticked-tocked on by,  one second at a time,  and here I sit a thousand miles from my childhood farm turning forty-three and knowing life just doesn't always go the way you think.  I am not teaching science to a class full of kindergartners; I am not the author of a children's book;  I am not living across some magical fairyland pond from my best friend while we each raise little barefooted boys & girls wearing bib overalls & sunbonnets who chase fireflies together every evening.  Lol...the dreams of children are so pure, hopeful and totally not based on  reality!

    This last couple years have been a couple of the hardest years of my life in many ways.   Also...in other ways, a couple of the best years of my life.   It's funny how that is...life has so many different kinds of hard.   Just a few years ago I was in the battle zone of raising a litter of littles.  Nursing babies crying to be held,  toddlers spilling milk all over the counter, young children demanding help with subtraction...all at the same time that you desperately need five minutes alone in the bathroom!  Those years were hard.  My sister is in those years now...and I tell her--those years are so, so hard for moms...especially when it seems like the world has just set its sights on judging you for every snotty nose, every scream in the grocery store and every un-socked foot while you are just begging someone to throw you the proverbial life vest so you don't drown in a pile of diapers!  That was a hard time in my life, physically & psychologically.  

    But these past couple years have been something else altogether.  They've been an emotional hard--Covid lockdowns, a family member's suicide, deep struggles in my marriage, losing my mother-in-law, my Dad's accident, my mom's declining health and the struggles in my relationship with her, moving to a new state, watching friends deal with their own tragedies/losses, etc.  I have never felt as helpless & unstable as I have these last 2-3 years.  It's taken a toll on my body...to the point where I really am starting to believe I'm in my forties.   But one of the beautiful things about feeling helpless and at the end of yourself is it puts us in the best position to lean more on Jesus.  

    I will never discount the pain of these years.  But I know that the reason I can say with sincerity that in a lot ways these have been some of my best years, as well, is because Jesus has been amplified in my life.    I have seen Him do miracles in response to my prayers!  I have seen Him work in the hearts of my husband & children.  I have spent so many nights with Him as my one & only resource.  During those busy "hard" years with the kids...I served God with my hands & my lips but my heart did not know what it really meant to set myself aside.  My heart did not know what it meant to be truly humbled.   My heart did not know the depth of Jesus' sacrifice for me because I didn't know the depth of my own sinful heart.  

    So much has changed since I turned 40.  I am still shocked when I realize how old I'm getting and that I've easily reached the "midlife" part of life.  But I'm becoming more comfortable in my skin;  I'm becoming more comfortable with the unpredictability of life.  I never have liked change...but I'm learning to embrace each new opportunity that God gives me and to release the things from the past that may be a hinderance to His plan for my future.  Nothing in this life is permanent and it took me way too much of my life to accept that.   

    And I'm still learning.  I can't say these things are completely learned.  When life doesn't turn out the way we hoped...we just have to learn to roll into His will and keep going.  When God tells us to move, we move.  When God tells us to stay, we stay.  Of course, sometimes, when God says, 'shut up, sit still, & let go', instead of obeying,  we cry & rage & hold on tight until we wear ourselves out.  And God waits.  He loves us and gently tells us again to 'shut up, sit still & let go' and we say in response, "I don't know how.  Jesus, please help me."  And then He gives us the strength for the day and patiently waits for us to remember to rely on Him again tomorrow.  That's what I'm learning.

    So today...on my 43rd birthday, I will meditate on Psalm 43 "Send out your light and truth; let them lead me;  let them bring me to your holy hill and to your dwelling!" and also on God's words to Israel in Isaiah 43.  "Fear not, for I have redeemed you;  I have called you by name, you are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.  For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." 

    

Cute things my kids have said: Part 18

9/9/20
Bria (Smelling a bar of YL soap): “It smells like almond milk mixed with a new dress.”

9/16/20
Jasmine: “Why are women so attracted to muscles? They are just bumps on the arm. Personally, I want a guy with a strong brain.”

9/17/20
Bria: “You know that song? It says, “Who’s that sexy thing standing over there.” I keep singing it but it’s inappropriate for kids! It’s inappropriate for 4 year olds!”

9/24/20
Me: “I was being sarcastic.”
Bria: “What does sir cactus mean?”

9/26/20
Bria: “We have to comb your hair so you don’t get crickets. When your hair gets tangled that’s what you call it. You get crickets.”

9/26/20
Bria: "The password is 'fungalogical'."

9/28/20
Eden (explaining why she doesn’t want to go to youth group): “I just don’t like teenagers.”

10/8/20
Bria: (Looking at her blister) “I don’t like how Jesus made us because I don’t like that skin under that skin”
Me: "What?"
Bria: "I mean--I like Jesus--I just don't like how he made us because I don't like the skin under the skin."

11/16/20
Bria: “In my dream you were kissing Dad. A lot! For some reason my brain wanted to see that! It wanted to see how that works!”

11/7/20
Tonight we were asking the kids if they had any prayer requests.
Bria: "I want to pray that the butterflies won’t be eaten by dogs. Because they would die if the dogs eat them.”

11/14/20
We’ve had the kids choosing bible verses each night...tonight was Acacia’s turn to pick. Russ comes up and asks Acacia, “So what did you pick?” Acacia: “A scab.”

11/17/20
Apparently during dance today (during Big Oak Tree) Bria said, “This song should be about Jesus because he’s a really nice man.”

11/21/20
Bria: “I love you from the sky to the ground.”
Me: “I love you from the moon to the ground!”
Bria: “Wow! That’s so far! A cow jumped over the moon one time! In real life.” Then she explained how big the moon was when the cow jumped over it.
Bria: “What if I love you from the cow to the ground? Because the cow jumped over the moon that one time!”

11/22/20
Bria: (Crying) “Kira hurt my kidneys and my brain.”

12/3/20
I was upstairs in the kitchen with music playing and I casually asked Acacia where Bria was. Bria (who was in the basement at the Lego table) yells up...”I’m right here!” She comes upstairs and I said, “That always amazes me that you can hear me that well.” Bria: “It’s because I’m the smartest & specialist kid that you ever had!”

12/15/20
Bria: “I’m not the boss of everything but I’m the boss of this walk!”

12/26/20
I walked into the living room and saw the Christmas aftermath mess and said “Ugh. I hate to see this!” And Bria speaks up and says in a sweet voice, “Then don’t look at it.”

12/31/20
Bria: “God is working on the snow AND You. He can do both at the same time because He has 2 hands!”

1/6/21
Bria: “None of us has powers but Jesus does. He can stand on the water and make everyone feel better.”

1/14/21
Bria praying: "Help mom's heart not to be broken anymore. Because Jesus didn't heal it already. No offense--but that's rude."

1/18/21
Bria: (in a conversation about prayer) “I can hear Jesus talking.”
Me: “Really? What did He say?”
Bria: “It doesn’t matter what you look like. Even if you’re ugly.”

1/31/21
Bria to me: "In my dream last night you were kissing a lot."
Me: "Who was I kissing?"
Bria: "Your husband."
Me: "Really? What did he look like?"
Bria: "The same as he looks now. And you looked the same as you look now. And you were in a tiny house. We kept seeing bugs. And there were pictures all around the house. It was weird."

2/18/21
Bria: “I want an anniversary, but I also want to pee in my room.”

4/14/21
Bria just called a question mark—“that mystery thingy”.

4/20/21

Today Jasmine asked Bria if she learned the presidents and Bria said yes.

Jasmine: “Do you know who our president is right now?”
Bria: “Trump?”
Jasmine: “No.”
Bria: “The real Biden? The guy that fighted Trump”

5/2/21
Bria: “I’m glad we go to church. If we weren’t Christians, I’d want to be a Christian.”
Me: “If we weren’t Christians how would you know you’d want to be one?”
Bria: “Ummm...it’s hard to explain.”

5/5/21

Bria (singing): “I want to dance in the middle of a cucumber!”

5/24/21
I asked Bria, “Why are you so adorable?”
She answered, “I don’t know. Probably because I’m not 13.”

5/27/21
Bria: “I just want to sing a song about freedom. I just want freedom so much! I want to be a bird!”

6/18/21
Bria singing a song from VBS, “You know why I’m singing that? It’s because Jesus loves us sooo much his heart is bubbling!”

6/27/21
Bria comes out of her room and had changed her shorts. I just looked at her and didn’t say anything. She holds up one finger and says: “I know I’m wearing pajama pants but don’t patronize me.”

6/29/21
Bria: “Love me to the stomach of your heart”

7/4/21
Bria: “violence is one of my answers for love.”

7/23/21

Things Bria said on our walk:

“I’m the leader of this walk”

“If zombies come I will hai-ya!”

“If I had super speed like Dash…faster than Dash, I’d be first.”

“Get off my arrow, ants!”

8/9/21

Me: “Bria, thanks for being my buddy today and taking it in stride when the ice cream machine was broken.”

Bria: “That’s just what I do! Nice stuff!”

8/24/21

Jasmine: “What’s a Pap smear?”

Eden: “It’s when they look at your thingy for scientific purposes.”

8/28/21

I was complaining about my hair turning grey on top and Bria came over and inspected.

Bria: “I don’t see any grey. I only see black. *pointing* That mirror is WRONG.”

12/16/21

Bria: “You’re wearing makeup? Your face looks stale.”

1/13/22

Eden: “I really like this outfit. I look both hot and modest because modest IS hottest.”

3/17/22

Jasmine: “If I had a dollar for every time I rolled my eyes today, I’d have my monthly allowance.”

3/25/22

Bria: “Dad, I love you more than anyone except for God! I love God a trillion and I love you a billion. And I love Mom a billion, too!”

4/11/22

Bria: “Can I play Minecraft?”

Me: “No. Today is Monday; you have to do homework.”

Bria: (exasperated, throwing her head back & her hands up) “Ughh!! Everyday is Monday! Seriously!”

5/5/22

Eden & I were discussing the accuracy of our scale here. Bria weighed herself and said “It says 32.8”. I asked her “Is that what the scale in Oregon said?” Bria: “yeah…well no, it said 32.7 but I did some push-ups. so, yeah.”

6/15/22

Acacia heard Beastie Boys “Fight for your right” and said “For a minute I thought this was the boy version of ‘Girls just want to have fun’”

9/12/22

Bria: “I can’t snap. I’m still little and my fingers aren’t as feisty as yours!”

9/26/22

Me: “You can just lay in a beach chair with a sun hat over your face and let the sound of the ocean lull you to sleep.”

Eden: “I don’t like being lulled.”

10/8/22

Eden: “I’m really mad that mullets are in! How am I supposed to find a boyfriend if they all have mullets?”

10/15/22

Bria: “You’re a soggy burrito, Eden!!”

Eden: “That’s so insulting. I’m a crispy burrito.”

10/19/22

Bria’s philosophical question of the day: “Why did Thumbkin run away?”

11/23/22

Eden: “You know what would be a stinking cool tattoo to have? An important name or word written in Gallifreyan!”

Jasmine: “Maybe if you’re a nerd!”

Eden: “Lucky for you, I am then!”

Jasmine: “Is ‘nerd’ the right word or would it be ’geek’ in that context?”

1/6/23

Bria was asking about sewers. I asked her if she knew what sewers were for. “No”. So I explained…

Bria: “Eww. It’s weird that the Ninja Turtles would live there.”

2/1/23

Bria: “I like tying things. It’s my passion.”

Bria: “I l

"It is Finished"

 

Easter makes a person reflective...or at least I think it should. The Creator of the universe became like one of the created things to be humiliated, abused & killed so that he could demonstrate His love for us and demonstrate the power He has over death. And most of the time I'm just over here complaining about how annoying ads are.

God's been doing some big things in my life the last couple years...rearranging my life & my heart--showing me the depth of my sin and giving me so many opportunities to be more like Him. To love sacrificially, to endure humiliation with grace, to forgive. So this holy week as I reflected on the cross, I felt it all a little deeper as I've fought God on some of the elements of my soul remodel.

This past month He has been prompting me to offer my forgiveness to someone and to offer them His love. And I have resisted....because I'm fleshly and human and I didn't want to. God would prompt me and I would resist. I didn't even want to acknowledge what I felt the Spirit was asking me to consider and it caused so mush spiritual turmoil within me. I felt a bit like Jonah...trying to run from God's call and being tossed by the violent sea. 'Maybe it's not really God?' 'What if this person reacts badly?' 'Seems unwise to go to Ninevah...right? I would advise against it.' But the calling was still there and it began feeling more urgent by the day. And like Jonah...maybe deep down my resistance was because I knew that the point of this message is to draw this person to repentance and I am a little bitter at the thought of their salvation?

But, at the same time, I know the power of Christ and I desire to see good come from all the bad. I want to see redemption come. I want God to redeem all aspects of my hurt. And I worry about the consequences of ignoring this call and finding I've waited too long to obey.

So after weeks of the flesh & the spirit warring within me...I let the Spirit arise strong within me and I offered forgiveness and Christ's love to this person who wronged me. And the result? Rejection. Denial. Blocked. And my initial reaction was relief. And I said out loud to myself, “Welp, It's done. It's over. I did what I had to do and now it's finished.”

Later, I remembered the Easter story...and how Jesus uttered similar words on the cross before He died. “It is finished.” And I wondered to myself, what did Jesus really mean by that? Because...I'm guessing His “it is finished' didn't have the same undertone as mine. When I uttered those words it was...'whew! I did my part, I can wash my hands of this person's soul now.' but while I'm sure there was a breath of relief in Jesus' words as he reached the culmination of a plan as old as time itself...I know it wasn't because His part was over. And just like my offer of forgiveness was rejected and was met with denial that they had done any wrong...so do millions of people treat Jesus' sacrifice. Jesus died and offered propitiation for ALL. And while He's not going to force anyone to accept it, I know His heart is longing for theirs.

And if His heart longs for theirs; if He is was willing to be humiliated; if He loves those who abused Him, rejected Him and denied Him—well, then I am meant to follow that example.

When it comes to my personal situation...I did what God asked and that part is finished. I can move on with my own healing knowing I did what I was called by the Spirit to do. But I cannot harden myself to the heart of God for this person. His heart is for them to be saved and therefore that must be my heart for them as well. I may never have another interaction with this person ever again...but in my soul I can release all bitterness and pray for their salvation. I can choose to not be like Jonah whose story ended in anger & frustration at God's mercy for the evil-doers of Ninevah.

The spirit indeed is willing but OH how the flesh is weak...so, so weak. I've seen God work BIG. I've watched God answer some of my “impossible” prayers. And I've seen repentance happen in hardened hearts & miracles happen as a result. But..I've also seen how weak my flesh can be. I've watched my heart fail so many times. I've gone from pouting Jonah to Pentecost Peter and back again more times than I'd like to admit. I know well the battle described in Romans 7. “I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!”

I sometimes wish I could end the battle. Say I'm done and be done. But to end the war means giving in to the law of sin. I cannot let the eyes of my heart be clouded by the wisdom of the world.

I don't know what is going on behind the scenes. Jesus let the world believe it had won. Jesus let them mock Him for not saving Himself off that cross. And though He was oppressed & afflicted He did not open His mouth to defend Himself. Because He saw a bigger battle. He had a bigger spiritual law on His mind. “It is finished.” It has been paid in full. He endured it all for something bigger. He did it for me. He did it for them. He did it for you.

So I will too. I will keep waging the war within. For HIM.

42

It’s my birthday. I always get pensive & philosophical on my birthday…this year is no exception.

I’m 42 today. My life isn’t what I imagined it to be. So many more heartaches and disappointments and losses than the young, naive version of me thought I’d face. People haven’t lived up to my expectations and I have discovered that it’s impossible for me to live up to theirs.

Turning forty-two naturally makes me think about the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and how 42 was the ultimate answer to the ultimate question…but no one knew what the question was! Life is kinda like that. I’ve gotten a lot of answers this year…God has been doing a lot of work in me…and I certainly feel like I’m re-learning what really matters in this life and what doesn’t.

My forties have brought a new wisdom for me…the realization that I have no idea what I’m doing; I literally can’t count on myself for any kind of right, any kind of stability or any kind of understanding. And this is why reliance on Jesus is so important….because He is Right, He is Stability & the He is the only One with true Understanding. All MY answers are wrong and, for me, His answers sometimes don’t make any sense. He says the answer is 42 and I’m like, “what?” because I don’t have any concept of what the REAL question is. So I have to just trust that His answer is correct—

even when I don’t understand…

even when I don’t like it…

even when it hurts.

I hope, while this newly acquired wisdom makes me feel far less comfortable than I once was, that it actually creates an environment within me to become much more a person after God’s heart.

In spite of myself…Jesus has chosen me.

In spite of myself…He wants to use me.

In spite of myself…I love Him and offer my broken self up to Him.

I pray that 42 is the year that my roots grow deep in Him and that the only fruit on this old weary vine are His.

The Finishing Work

 A couple weeks ago I was in the hospital with my parents. My dad had fallen off a ladder and severely broke a vertebra in his back, broke several ribs and a toe. He was in severe pain and we were unsure at that time how it would all turn out. My mom made a comment about why we don't see more miracles. Why can't we pray a prayer of healing, in faith, and have the doctors come in and wonder what happened? 'This man's back is not broken! No cracked ribs! What is wrong with our X-ray machine?'

God spoke to me in that moment and the answer that became so obvious to me is this: It's because we are a culture---a generation---that needs to learn perseverance.

I've been going through a lot lately. Life got real and life got hard this past year. Covid certainly played a role but all the stress I was absorbing because of the shift in our world in 2020 seemed like a dream when the challenges got really personal last fall. My whole reality was shaken, my self-image was shaken, my pride was revealed, my faith put to the test. And I got real up-close with God. The question we all face in times of crisis is, 'what am I really made of?'; 'How am I going to handle this?'

Here in America we are a culture that is defined by instant gratification. We want it our way and we want it now! We are not the generation that need those kind of miracles...the lame to walk and sight to the blind. We would outright reject it with reason! We would mock it! We would take it for granted. We'd get our miracle and turn around and give credit to something else! We would turn around and complain about our privilege.

Here in America, we need to learn steadfastness; we need to learn perseverance; we need to learn faith, hope & love. We don't need more instant gratification. That's the last thing we need!

James says, “Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. And perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” (Jms1)

Paul wrote in Romans that “we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance produces character; character produces hope and hope does not put us to shame.” (Rms5)

In 2 Corinthians we are reminded not to lose heart because “our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all...this is why we fix our eyes not what is seen but what is unseen since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” (2Cor4)

To Timothy he wrote that “if we endure, we will reign with Christ” (2Tim2)

Our calling in all things is to hold on to faith in Christ and to love...because God is Love. And when trials come—when your world is shaken, when illness comes, when death comes, when those closest to you betray you, when you've fallen off a ladder and break your back—when you're daddy has fallen off a ladder and broken his back...when trial after trial and bad news after bad news seems to be targeting you... and you're not sure how to react in the rush of all that adrenaline, that emotion, that fear—the answer is always to keep the faith, to keep hope and to love.

And we know that “Love is patient and kind...it does not envy...it is not self-seeking, or easily angered and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love always protects, trusts, hopes and it always PERSEVERES.” (1Cor13) Love is the one thing that the Bible says never fails. Because He is love and He never fails.

This does not come naturally to us. When life gets hard...it is our natural inclination to do the exact opposite of this. We get REALLY impatient. We get short with others and treat them badly. We look at the lives of others and long for the lack of chaos we see in their lives and maybe even get a little upset that they have it so easy. We get really focused on ourselves and our own pain and forget that others have needs and troubles too. We get angry and we list to God and others all the injustices we perceive in our lives—how we've been wronged. We complain and despair and want to give up. But God has not called us to this kind of life! If we want to triumph...we must rise up! We must see our trials as an opportunity to be more like Christ who suffered many things FOR ME. Who sacrificed his own comfort for MY sin. Who forgave MY utter depravity just because.

I may not always act rightly but I cannot just give up and let the pain be wasted. These are exactly the times in which we have the GREATEST opportunity to be molded into Christ's image! Peter writes about this and reminds us that “since Christ suffered for us in the flesh, arm yourselves with the same mind...rejoice to the extent that you partake of Christ's sufferings, that when His glory is revealed, you also may be glad with exceeding joy.” (1Pet4)

Bad things...suffering...tragedy...other people's sin...death...illness are not things God wants for us but when they happen I know that they are the struggles that He (in his Divine understanding) has allowed in my life and therefore...if He has allowed it...it serves a higher purpose and I must take the perspective that good can and will come from it.

Even in my hardest moments, I want to be like King David who sang, “Out of the depths I have cried to You, O Lord...I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His Word I do hope” (Ps130) “My eyes are upon You, O God the Lord; In You I take Refuge” (Ps141) “My flesh and my heart may fail; But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever” (Ps73) I want to strive toward and live out what James admonishes us to. “Be patient until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, waiting patiently for it until it receives the early and latter rain. You also be patient. Establish your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand...we count them blessed who endure. You have heard of the perseverance of Job and seen the end intended by the Lord—that the Lord is very compassionate and merciful.” (Jms5)

Fasting

 

Why fast?

We need food to live but how much more do we need God? Oh, how we are slaves to our own bodies—within hours we are set searching for food!

When we feed ourselves regularly, in the very habit of it, we take it for granted. We forget in the mundane nature of eating how reliant we are upon it. Our habits spring from the needs, wants & desires of our flesh. True both physically & spiritually. When we don't think about it, we are prone to forget that we are slaves to it. We are slaves to our flesh. We become blinded to the spiritual, to the miracles and we forget how the Lord sustains us. Without Him—we would have no food. Without the One who holds our very cells together—we literally would not be.

I think about the Israelites—Oh, how we criticize them! They witnessed with their own eyes the parting of the Red Sea! They literally walked on dry ground as the water was 'piled up' on both sides of them! And yet just 2 months later, when their bodies became hungry, they complained that they should have stayed in Egypt! When their bodies became hungry, their flesh (to whom we are all slaves in the natural man) made them forget what the oppression was like in Egypt; it overshadowed their memory of their miraculous journey through the Red Sea! Our flesh is just so, so weak!

I fast & pray to remember that—to remember that I do not serve my flesh (it is not my God) but I serve El Shaddai, Adonai, Jesus, the Great I AM. I fast to remember that “though my flesh & my heart may fail; GOD is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” (Psalm 73:26) I fast to remember how quickly I forget—to see my own blindness and to realign my priorities with His. Today, He will be my food; He will be my portion; He will be my sustainer. I will hunger & thirst for righteousness and be filled with the Bread of life.

Books I read in 2020

 

• 01) 'Gregor the Overlander' by Suzanne Collins (audio)1/3
• 02) 'Strands of Truth' by Colleen Coble 1/4
• 03) 'Gregor and the Prophesy of Bane' by Suzanne Collins (audio) 1/9
• 04) 'Glittering Promises' by Lisa Tawn Bergren (audio) 1/12
• 05) 'Unclutter Your Life in One Week' by Erin Rooney Doland 1/13
• 06) 'Gregor and the Curse of the Warmbloods' by Suzanne Collins (audio) 1/14
• 07) 'How to Pick Up Women with a Drunk Space Ninja' by Jay Key (audio) 1/19
• 08) 'The Door Within' by Wayne Thomas Batson (audio) 1/26
• 09) 'Gregor and the Marks of Secret' by Suzanne Collins (audio) 2/3
• 10) 'The Door in the Wall' by Marguerite de Angeli 2/4
• 11) 'Gregor and the Code of Claw' by Suzanne Collins (audio) 2/7
• 12) 'Will Destroy the Galaxy for Cash' by Yahtzee Croshaw (audio) 2/13
• 13) 'Slaughterhouse Five' by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr (audio) 3/3
• 14) 'Flirtation Walk' by Siri Mitchell 3/3
• 15) 'Submerged' by Dani Pettrey 3/7
• 16) 'I am Number Four' by Pittacus Lore (audio) 3/7
• 17) 'Dad's vs. Zombies' by Benjamin Wallace(audio) 3/10
• 18) 'A Study in Sherlock: Stories Inspired by the Holmes Canon' by Laurie R King (editor) 3/28
• 19) 'The Cross of Lead' by Avi 4/7
• 20) 'Shattered' by Dani Pettrey 4/16
• 21) 'Your Teenager is Not Crazy: Understanding Your Teen's Brain' by Jeramy & Jerusha Clark 4/16
• 22) 'Stranded' by Dani Pettrey 4/20
• 23) 'Silenced' by Dani Pettrey 4/24
• 24) 'Sabotaged' by Dani Pettrey 5/2
• 25) 'Deadly Intentions' by Lisa Harris 5/9
• 26) 'Mycroft and Sherlock' by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar (audio) 5/19
• 27) 'Super Powereds: Year 1' by Drew Hayes (audio) 5/29
• 28) 'Super Powereds: Year 2' by Drew Hayes (audio) 6/5
• 29) 'Super Powereds: Year 3' by Drew Hayes (audio) 6/14
• 30) 'Super Powereds: Year 4' by Drew Hayes (audio) 6/23
• 31) 'The Road Home' by Beverly Lewis 7/5
• 32) 'Forget Nothing' by Jason Anspach (audio) 7/7
• 33) 'The River' by Beverly Lewis 7/10
• 34) 'The Love Letters' by Beverly Lewis 7/18
• 35) 'The Ebb Tide' by Beverly Lewis 7/22
• 36) 'Once More Upon a Time' by Roshani Chokshi (audio) 7/22
• 37) 'Introverts in th Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture' by Adam S McHugh 8/7
• 38) 'Mama Bear Apologetics' by Hillary Morgan Ferrer 8/13
• 39) 'The Phantom Tollbooth' by Norton Juster 8/20
• 40) 'The Pilgrim's Progress' by John Bunyon (audio) 8/24
• 41) 'Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency' by Douglas Adams 9/1
• 42) 'Nameless Queen' by Rebecca McLaughlin (audio) 9/7
• 43) 'The Long Dark Teatime of the Soul' by Douglas Adams 9/15
• 44) 'The Dispatcher' by John Scalzi (audio) 9/18
• 45) 'Taken' by Dee Henderson 9/23
• 46) 'Murder by Other Means' by John Scalzi (audio) 9/21
• 47) 'Murder at Melrose Court' by Karen Baugh Menuhin (audio) 9/25
• 48) 'Blessed are the Misfits' by Brant Hansen 11/5
• 49) 'Didn't See That Coming' by Rachel Hollis 11/
• 50) 'Love & War' by John Eldredge 11/28
• 51) 'In His Image' by Jen Wilkin 12/6
• 52) 'Ready Player Two' by Ernest Cline (audio) 12/14
• 53) 'It's Not Suppose to be this Way' by Lysa Terkeurst 12/16
• 54) 'The Holy Bible' 12/30

Whisper Goodbye

 Whisper Goodbye 

By Gina K Campbell 

12-31-2020

As the year takes the stage for its final bow

Let us whisper our goodbyes with reverence 

A moment of stillness & a measure of awe

As this time reaches its severance.

This year’s show may have been filled with pain

Disappointment headlining on the marquee

But perseverance & self reflection are the rising stars

Teaching us who we should be.

A new day may await us

But yesterday was our seminary-

A training ground for the roots of our souls

The lessons learned, discretionary.

Perhaps new life is promised

In the fresh-faced year we welcome

But it too will have its heartaches

Happiness will not be it’s only outcome.

Every moment we leave behind us

Every joy, every sting, every loss

Planted something deep within our soil

That we should not rush to toss.

So let us not push & shove this year away

Instead let it settle softly in our hearts

Its deathbed is our stepping stone

And we should embrace it as it departs.

Bones

 

"Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is Life"

Bones...

that has been a running theme in my life this week.

I'm not sure exactly what God wants me to see here but when attention is brought to the same word over and over...I have to sit up and take notice.   

I recently started watching the tv show, Bones, in which an FBI agent & a forensic anthropologist solve crimes based solely on information that can be extracted from the bones of the victims.   The life of the person is gone, the flesh removed and yet the bones still tell a story.  One of the running themes of the show is how the lead character, aka "Bones" (as she is affectionately called by her partner), scoffs at peoples' belief in God.  She is brilliant and can discern things about dry bones that you'd think impossible yet she is blind to her own "dry bones".

In the midst of watching this show...I have thought a lot about how many people in the world are like her...feeling as though it is irrational to believe in a creator...and how metaphorically they are like those dry bones--each with their own unique story to tell but lacking true "life".   

This week's Scripture reading plan took me through Ezekiel 37...and the vision he had of in the valley of bones.  As Ezekiel is standing in the valley surrounded by an innumerable  amount of "very dry" bones, God asks him, "Can these bones live?"  

Can you imagine?  Naturally, the answer is NO...obviously.  Dr. Brennen would certainly say, 'no'.  But Ezekiel (knowing His God) answered "Only you know!"  And what happened next?!   God asks Ezekiel to speak to the bones on His behalf!  "Tell the bones what I am saying!"  "Tell the bones that I will give them flesh!"  "Now, tell the flesh covered bones that I will give them breath!"   "Now they shall LIVE!"  

Wow!  In Ezekiel he is specifically using this to show what God intended to do with Israel but it is also not a stretch to see this same imagery as applying to what accepting Jesus does for all... "I will put my Spirit in you and you will live"   Obviously it is only God who can bring life but we (like Ezekiel) are asked to speak on God's behalf--telling the "bones" of the one who can breathe them to LIFE!

The following verse from John 6 was spoken on at my cousin's funeral,  "The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing."   In the Ezekiel story, the bones came together and were covered in tendons, flesh, skin--but there was no breath...and thus--no life!  The flesh counts for nothing--only the Spirit gives life.  And WE (God's army--who were also once nothing but dry bones ourselves) have the words others need to hear...Jesus' own words, "The words I have spoken to you--they are full of the Spirit and life."

It was yesterday when I realized that I needed to dig deeper here...                                                            I was listening to worship music in my car and 3 songs nearly in a row referenced the story of the dry bones...so today I wrote this and I pray with humility that God will teach me what I am meant to see.

Dry Bones (Come Alive)

Grave into Gardens

Great I Am

Sorrow for Lane

I don't know what to write.

But the need to write has been pressing on me...I can feel it in my heart, my mind, my soul.   

I know that putting words down has always been a type of therapy for me when my emotions are more than what my mind can process.  Writing slows everything down and helps me reach a point of clarity and coalescence that I cannot find in the simple day-to-day expressions of living.

Over a week has gone by and I have not yet felt like the words would come...  They aren't coming.

But here I sit in front of a blank page...just hoping that this simple act will help me find words.

Healing words;  words that can help make sense of the senseless;  words that bring some meaning to the loss;  words that can put order back...  

But what is there to say?

Loss in any form is painful.  Loss in this way is chaos.  It's like sympathy & anger are holding hands.  Grief & despondency are pulling my arms in opposite directions.  I cannot think of my aunt & uncle without feeling a tug of both horror at what they're going through & relief that it's not that bad for me.  And then of course..guilt at how little this affects my life and pain at the changes this does bring to the cadences of our family. 

Questions hide in my subconscious...all the whys.  But I think I'm afraid to let them peek around the curtain that I've hung in my mind to conceal them--not because they are unanswerable but rather because maybe they are and I won't like the thoughts that those answers will bring with them.    

Tomorrow I will come face to face with those suffering most.   What can I possibly say to them when I don't even have words for myself?   

I'm afraid this is one of those times in which clarity will never come.  Our hearts forever will feel the sting of this unexpected, unwelcome, unfair loss.   This world (tainted, neigh drenched, in sin, as it is) is always going to be bombarding our hearts with senselessness, violence, injustice & darkness that cannot be made okay with anything it has to offer.  I'm so grateful that my family knows the One outside the world who weeps with us and for us and has promised redemption to us from all this darkness & brokenness that the world has subjected us to---the Rock, the Redeemer, the Bread of Life; Light of the world, God with us, Wonderful Counselor, Prince of Peace--because He is the only one who can make good grow from this sorrow.

"Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.  For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to anyone."  Lamentations 3:32-33