It’s my birthday. I always get pensive & philosophical on my birthday…this year is no exception.
I’m 42 today. My life isn’t what I imagined it to be. So many more heartaches and disappointments and losses than the young, naive version of me thought I’d face. People haven’t lived up to my expectations and I have discovered that it’s impossible for me to live up to theirs.
Turning forty-two naturally makes me think about the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and how 42 was the ultimate answer to the ultimate question…but no one knew what the question was! Life is kinda like that. I’ve gotten a lot of answers this year…God has been doing a lot of work in me…and I certainly feel like I’m re-learning what really matters in this life and what doesn’t.
My forties have brought a new wisdom for me…the realization that I have no idea what I’m doing; I literally can’t count on myself for any kind of right, any kind of stability or any kind of understanding. And this is why reliance on Jesus is so important….because He is Right, He is Stability & the He is the only One with true Understanding. All MY answers are wrong and, for me, His answers sometimes don’t make any sense. He says the answer is 42 and I’m like, “what?” because I don’t have any concept of what the REAL question is. So I have to just trust that His answer is correct—
even when I don’t understand…
even when I don’t like it…
even when it hurts.
I hope, while this newly acquired wisdom makes me feel far less comfortable than I once was, that it actually creates an environment within me to become much more a person after God’s heart.
In spite of myself…Jesus has chosen me.
In spite of myself…He wants to use me.
In spite of myself…I love Him and offer my broken self up to Him.