Loss...

I am having kind of a hard week emotionally.  I'm sure that the stresses of the holiday season, homeschooling, bathroom remodel drama and hormones are all contributing,  but the truth is that I'm still mourning the baby that I lost.

This Friday would have marked my 20th week--the half way point of pregnancy.  But instead of joyfully announcing the gender of my child, I am dealing with my monthly reminder that I am no longer growing that baby inside of me.

I wish I could go back to 'before' when I didn't know first-hand how fragile life can be.  Back when the thought of getting pregnant was just exciting and not both something I crave and fear at the same time.

I don't know why this week has been harder than the others.  Maybe it's something about how the holidays bring out a sentimental side.  Maybe it's all the reminders that I'm not pregnant.  Maybe it's all the pregnant women and talk of babies that seems to be happening lately.  Maybe I can chock it up to the "that time of the month" hormones.  I don't know.  But what I do know is that I'm sad.  And that even though I realize how unbelievably blessed I am and that when I compare my lot in life with those of others...I feel as though I have no room to complain--I still feel the pain of loss and I still have so many bittersweet moments when I miss what should have been.

No one wants to talk about it...and I don't suppose I really want to either.  But at the same time I don't want to pretend like it never happened and that I don't still think about it on a daily basis.  Russ knows that I still struggle...but even to him I only hint at the reason 'cause I can't bring myself to actually say the words.

Life may be back to "normal" but my heart will never quite be the same.